BRIDGET LEMLEY
KENNESAW, GA
AGE: 24
THIS GUY HAD SENT ME MESSAGES ABOUT HIS ATTENDANCE AT CHURCH-SO, I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION HE WAS "RELIGIOUS". HE IS A GUY WHO BELIEVES “NICE GUYS DO FINISH FIRST.” HOWEVER, HERE ARE THE FOLLOWING REASONS WHY OUR DATE SUCKED AND WHY HE’LL BE SINGLE FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE!
1. HE SAID MY SHOES WERE “UGLY” (THEY WERE CLASSIC NEW BALANCE-TO EACH HIS OWN, I GUESS)
2. HE CALLED ME A “NERD” AND A “DORK” (MORE THAN ONCE) IN A "FLIRTATIOUS" WAY
3. HE WORE A HAT ON A FIRST DATE
4. HE SUGGESTED WE SEE ALEXANDER—A 3 HOUR LONG EPIC WITH HOMOEROTIC IMAGES AND INCESTUOUS OVERTONES
5. WE SAW CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS INSTEAD
6. HE SQUEEZED MY LEG DURING INAPPROPRIATE TIMES OF THE MOVIE
7. YEA, OK, THE FACT THAT HE SQUEEZED MY LEG AT ALL. LOGICALLY, HE MUST HAVE KNOWN IT WAS A BAD MOVE-BUT IT’S LIKE HE DIDN’T HAVE THE RESTRAINT TO NOT TO DO IT
8. WHEN HE WAS COMMITTING NO. 6 AND NO. 7, HE WAS REALLY AWKWARD
9. HE JUST RANDOMLY GRABBED MY CLENCHED HAND AND KISSED IT
10. I GOT A CRAMP IN MY SIDE TRYING TO LEAN AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM HIM
11. HE FLICKED MY SHOULDER WITH HIS FINGER—KIND OF HARD
12. SOMETIMES I IMAGINED THAT AFTER HE TOUCHED ME HE LEFT SOME GREEN SLIME RESIDUE & THAT MADE ME NOT CONCENTRATE ON THE MOVIE AND HAVE TO THINK ABOUT HIM
13. HE WOULDN’T STOP TALKING DURING THE PREVIEWS
14. HE WOULDN’T STOP TALKING DURING THE MOVIE
15. HE WOULDN’T SHUT UP EVER
16. HE ASKED THE FOLLOWING STUPID QUESTIONS
-WHY DO YOU SMILE SO MUCH?
-ARE YOU AND YOUR FRIEND BI?
-WHY DON’T YOU LOOK AT ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU?
17. HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY HEAD TO TURN MY HEAD SO I COULD LOOK AT HIM WHEN HE TALKED TO ME
18. HE MADE THE MOVE TO HOLD MY HAND (AND GOT DENIED)
19. HIS PROFILE NAME IS AFTER HIS FAVORITE BASKETBALL PLAYER THAT HE’LL NEVER BE LIKE B/C HE’S TOO SHORT
20. HE GOT ALL PHILOSOPHICAL ON ME AND SAID I SHOULD BE WITH HIM B/C I COULD BALANCE OUT HIS LOVE FOR SPORTS WITH MY APATHY TOWARDS SPORTS (AND HE DIDN’T USE THE WORD APATHY, I HAD TO USE CONTEXT CLUES TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE WAS REALLY TRYING TO SAY)
21. AMONG THE MANY TIMES TOUCHING ME, HE “ACCIDENTALLY” BRUSHED UP AGAINST MY CHEST
22. SOMETIMES HE LOOKED LIKE HE HAD DOWN’S SYNDROME WHEN HE TALKED TO ME
23. HE FOUND IT INFORMATIVE TO TELL ME THAT HE IS 28 AND LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS
24. I HAD MORE FUN GOING TO THE RESTROOM-WHEN I WENT, SOME GUYS I KNEW FROM THE GYM HIT ON ME
I JUST STOPPED LISTENING TO HIS STUPID, GENERIC STORIES SO SORRY I DON’T HAVE MORE. THE REST OF THE INANE THINGS THAT HAPPENED ARE HOPEFULLY FOREVER BLOCKED FROM MY MEMORY. I MEAN, GOING TO A MOVIE SHOULD NEVER BE LIKE GOING TO THE DOCTOR (AS IN THE SOONER IT’S OVER THE BETTER).
DATE 2—I HAD AN INKLING THAT YOU WERE AS IRRITATING AS H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS, SO I APOLOGIZE FOR WASTING OUR TIME. YOU TRIED SO HARD TO AFFIRM YOUR MASCULINITY TO ME THAT I’M SURE YOU’LL COME OUT OF THE CLOSET SOMEDAY. UNTIL THEN, DON’T GROPE GIRLS ON THE 1ST DATE—WAIT TILL THE 2ND. AND MAKE SURE THEY LIKE YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE BEFORE YOU BRING OUT YOUR “MAGIC HANDS.” IF YOU WERE TRYING TO HIDE YOUR PERSONALITY FLAWS, GET A NEW SHTICK—B/C THE ONE YOUR CURRENTLY UTILIZING, IT AINT WORKING. SO AS ANNE SEXTON SAYS, “WHAT YOU ARE YOU WILL FIND.”
JESSICA
LOS ANGELES
AGE: 29
I WENT OVER TO HIS HOUSE. AND THEN HE SHOWED ME HIS SIMPSON'S ACTION FIGURE COLLECTION THAT WAS BUILT INTO NUMEROUS SHRINES ALL AROUND THE APPARTMENT. SOME OF THEM WERE STILL IN THEIR ORIGINAL PACKAGING AND PINNED TO COVER ALMOST EVERY INCH OF THE BEDROOM WALLS. HE WAS 31 AT THE TIME. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THAT WAS THAT.
ELLEN BARNES
ASPEN, CO
AGE: 46
AS A YOUNGSTER LIVING AND SOMETIMES WORKING AS A COCKTAIL WAITRESS AT THE CHINA CLUB IN LOS ANGELES, I DID SOMETHING I HAD NEVER DONE . . . I WENT OUT WITH A CUSTOMER I KNEW FOR MAYBE 80 SECONDS. HE TOLD ME HE HAD JUST SOLD A SCREENPLAY TO A MAJOR STUDIO AND THAT WAS ENOUGH FOR ME TO WANT HIM. WHEN WE WENT TO DINNER AND I ASKED HOW HE HAD RESEARCHED HIS SCREENPLAY "SHOOTER", HE CALMLY TOLD ME THAT IT HAD BEEN EASY - HE WAS THE REAL "SHOOTER" WHO HAD JUST BEEN RELEASED FROM A FEDERAL PENITENTARY WHERE HE HAD SERVED 10 OF A 20-YEAR SENTENCE FOR BANK ROBBERY AND, OH YEAH, "SHOOTING" SOMEONE IN THE PROCESS. HE WENT ON TO TELL ME THAT HE HAD ROBBED SOME 50 BANKS OVER A 10-YEAR PERIOD, BUT HAD GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT UNTIL THE BANK TELLER ASKED FOR IT. I WONDERED HOW I COULD HAVE ENDED UP WITH SUCH AN OPPORTUNIST. WANTING TO GET BACK TO MY APARTMENT AND MY ROOMMATE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE, I LED HIM TO BELIEVE THAT IF HE TOOK ME HOME IMMEDIATELY, I MIGHT INVITE HIM TO STAY. HONESTLY, I KNEW THEN I WOULD NEVER MAKE IT AS A CANDIDATE FOR SURVIVAL IF EVER ABDUCTED. I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO TELL MY STORY OF SELF-HEROISM ON THE LOCAL NEWS. 'YES, I WAS ABDUCTED, BUT I FUCKED HIM ANYWAY' KIND OF THING. WHO WOULD BELIEVE ME? NONETHELESS, WHEN HE DROVE ME HOME, HE HAPPILY BULLIED HIS WAY INTO MY APARTMENT, MET MY ROOMMATE, AND CHARMED HER, EVEN THOUGH I WAS TRYING TO SEND HER EXAGGERATED EYE SIGNALS. I DECIDED TO KISS HIM TO GET HIM TO SETTLE DOWN AND THEN I COULD TALK HIM INTO LEAVING. ONLY WHEN I AGREED THAT HE COULD RUB HIMSELF AGAINST ME AND BELLOW OUT "MAMA, MAMA" OVER AND OVER AGAIN, DID HE FINALLY LEAVE. HE CONTINUED TO CALL MY VOICE MACHINE LEAVING MESSAGES THAT ALWAYS STARTED WITH "MAMA? ARE YOU THERE? EVENTUALLY HE QUIT CALLING. IT WAS ODD TO ME THAT I NEVER ONCE CONSIDERED CALLING THE PROBATION DEPT. TO REPORT HIM. I GUESS THAT WAS BECAUSE NO ONE IN LA WAS PARTICULARLY FREAKED OUT BY THE STORY. PRETTY COMMONPLACE IN A PLACE LIKE THAT.
KATE
LOS ANGELES, CA
AGE: 31
LET ME START BY SAYING THAT WHILE THIS TOPS THE LIST OF BEST WORST DATE EXPERIENCES, I AM NOT SO SURE IT WAS MY WORST DATE. I AM ALMOST POSITIVE THAT IT WAS HIS. IN FACT, IF HE WERE TO SUBMIT HIS OWN STORY, I AM SURE THIS WOULD MAKE THE CUT. HOWEVER, CALLING IT A "DATE" IS SOMEWHAT OF A STRETCH, BUT HEY, WE STRETCH THE DEFINITION OF "DATE" HERE IN LOS ANGELES. IT STARTED LIKE SO MANY OTHER "DATES" THAT MANY OF US SINGLE LADIES HAVE GONE ON. TRANSLATION: IT STARTED OFF AS A GIRLS' NIGHT AND SOMEHOW I ENDED UP ON A "DATE" WITH A MAN. AFTER A LOVELY AFTERNOON OF WINE AND LAUGHTER AND GOOD FOOD AND EVEN BETTER SHOPPING, MY GIRLFRIENDS AND I DECIDED THAT A NIGHTCAP WAS IN ORDER. SO, WE SADDLED UP TO A NICE BAR IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND CONTINUED THE FUN. AT THIS POINT, THE BAR WASN'T CROWDED, SO WE WERE ABLE TO MAKE A LOT OF SMALL TALK WITH THE CUTE BARTENDER. LET'S JUST CALL HIM BOB, AS WE SHOULD TRY TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT HERE. BOB WAS GENEROUS WITH THE TALK, GENEROUS WITH THE SMILES AND GENEROUS WITH THE RED WINE THAT HE KEPT POURING INTO MY GLASS. THE HOURS GO BY, THE LAUGHTER GETS MORE FREQUENT AND MUCH LOUDER, THE CROWD GROWS, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, I AM COMPLETELY SHITFACED. SO DRUNK THAT I CAN BARELY WALK. SO DRUNK THAT I HAVE ALSO HIT THE STAGE THAT MANY OF MY FRIENDS ARE FAMILIAR WITH. SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY, THE ALCOHOL TURNS MY LAUGHTER INTO TEARS, AND THEN THE TEARS TURN INTO MORE LAUGHTER BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM CRYING ABOUT. AT SOME POINT, BOB AND I HAVE SWAPPED NUMBERS, TALKED ABOUT SEEING EACH OTHER; I HAVE FALLEN OFF A BAR STOOL AND CONSUMED A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF WINE, WHICH HAS ONLY COST ME $10. SO, IN A CLASSY AND OH SO SUBTLE WAY, I PROMISE BOB A "BIG TIP" TO MAKE UP FOR HOW NICE HE HAS BEEN TO ME. THE GIRLS AND I HEAD HOME, WE STAY UP A WHILE AND LISTEN TO MUSIC, LAUGH ABOUT THE NIGHT, AND THEY THEN MAKE THE POOR DECISIONT TO LEAVE ME TO MY OWN DEVICES. THIS AFTER THEY HAVE TOLD ME THAT BOB IS ON HIS WAY (BECAUSE BOB AND I HAVE TALKED ON OUR CELL PHONES THE ENTIRE WAY HOME AND WE HAVE PLANNED THIS) AND I HAVE ADAMANTLY TOLD THEM THERE IS NO WAY BOB IS COMING OVER. BAD IDEA TO LEAVE ME ALONE, THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY. POOR BOB'S NIGHT IS REALLY THEIR FAULT. AS AN INTERESTING SIDE NOTE, I HADN'T BEEN BACK IN THE FIELD FOR THAT LONG. MY HUSBAND HAD DIED TRAGICALLY ALMOST 3 YEARS BEFORE AND MY NEXT BOYFRIEND HAD LITERALLY JUST FALLEN OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH A FEW MONTHS BEFORE, AFTER A LITTLE MORE THAN A YEAR TOGETHER. SUPPOSEDLY TOOK A JOB WITH THE CIA, IN THE COUNTER TERRORISM DIVISION. YEAH, I BOUGHT THAT LINE. WIDOWS ARE EASY THAT WAY. SO, BOB COMES OVER, AND IN AN EVEN BETTER ATTEMPT AT PLAYING HARD TO GET, WE START MAKING OUT. I DON'T REMEMBER IF IT'S GOOD OR BAD. I HAVE TO THINK BAD, JUST BECAUSE I WAS WAY TOO DRUNK TO BE MAKING OUT. PROOF POSITIVE OF THIS IS THAT AS I AM LITERALLY STARTING TO PROVE THE POINT THAT IF YOU PUT OUT EARLY, YOU WILL NEVER HEAR FROM THE GUY AGAIN, I START CRYING. SOBBING, SHAKING AND SOBBING, HYPERVENTILATING AND SAYING THINGS LIKE "I AM SO SORRY, YOU HAVE TO GO. I CAN'T DO THIS. I SHOULDN'T DO THIS. MY HUSBAND'S DEAD. MY BOYFRIEND LEFT TO JOIN THE CIA, I JUST CAN'T DO THIS. YOU SHOULDN'T BE WITH ME. I'M A MESS (REALLY? HE NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT)" YOU CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HALF OF WHAT I AM SAYING BECAUSE I AM SOBBING SO HARD. HERE IS WHERE BOB MADE A FATAL ERROR. INSTEAD OF PUTTING HIS CLOTHES BACK ON AND RUNNING FOR THE EXIT(FORGET THE CLOTHES EVEN, HE SHOULD HAVE RUN FOR THE DOOR AND NOT LOOKED BACK), HE HUGS ME. HE THEN TELLS ME WHY HE FEELS FOR ME; HOW HE UNDERSTANDS PAIN AND LOSS AND THEN SHARES ALL SORTS OF SORDID FAMILY DETAILS THAT I WON'T GO INTO. AT SOME POINT, WHILE LISTENING TO HIM TRY TO COMFORT ME, THE NIGHTMARE GIRL, I PASS OUT. A FEW HOURS LATER, AS MORNING LATE IS FILTERING THROUGH THE BLINDS, I OPEN ONE EYE TO SEE CLOTHES FLUNG EVERYWHERE. THE ROOM IS SPINNING; MY HEAD IS ACHING, AND BOB IS JUST SNOOZING. SO I SNEAK INTO THE LIVING ROON AND CALL MY GIRLFRIEND AND TELL HER SHE HAS TO GET OVER TO MY PLACE RIGHT NOW. BOB WAKES UP AND HE'S NICE STILL. HE HAS NO REASON TO BE NICE AND MORE REASON NOT TO STAY, BUT HE WANTS TO HAVE A FULL CONVERSATION. A FULL CONVERSATION THAT STARTS WITH "WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER ABOUT LAST NIGHT?" AS IF THE EMOTIONAL PURGE OF UNRESOLVED SHIT IS SO EASY TO FORGET. I APOLOGIZE AND TELL HIM THAT I AM EMBARASSED, I DON'T DO THESE SORTS OF THINGS, I AM A NICE GIRL AND IT WAS JUST A BAD NIGHT OF TOO MUCH DRINKING. AND THEN HE TELLS ME HE USUALLY DOESN'T COME HOME WITH THE GIRLS HE MEETS AT THE BAR. THAT ONE WAS A LITTLE HARDER TO BELIEVE. SO WE ARE BOTH TRYING TO CONVINCE EACH OTHER THAT WE ARE'T TOTAL SLUTS (AND I AM SURE THAT I AM THE ONLY ONE TELLING THE TRUTH AT THIS POINT) AND I TELL HIM THAT I HAVE TO GO FOR A RUN, AS I AM TRAINING FOR THE LA MARATHON. AND HE RESPONDED WITH "YEAH, I HAVE TRAINING TO DO TODAY TOO." "REALLY, WHAT ARE YOU TRAINING FOR? (SAID WHILE TRYING NOT TO PUKE UP 5 LITERS OF RED WINE)" "I AM A PROFESSIONAL KNIFE THROWER, YEAH, THERE'S A CIRCUIT AND I WORK AT THE BAR TO PAY FOR MY TRAVEL TO ALL THE COMPETITIONS". PROFESSIONAL KNIFE THROWER?? AS I PICTURE MYSELF STANDING AGAINST A BOARD, WITH AN APPLE ON MY HEAD, AND HIM THROWING KNIVES AT ME, HE TELLS ME THAT HE HAS BEEN DOING IT A LONG TIME; HE HAS WON QUITE A FEW COMPETITIONS, AND IT'S REALLY ONE OF THE LOVES OF THIS LIFE. WELL, AT LEAST HE'S NOT AN ACTOR. BUT I CAN'T HELP THINK THAT I HAVE LET A STRANGE MAN, WHO IS PROFICIENT WITH KNIVES, INTO MY APARTMENT. PROBABLY NOT THE SMARTEST SINGLE GIRL LIVING ALONE MOVE EVER. AT THIS POINT, I KNOW THAT I AM GOING TO BE SICK, AND I REALLY NEED HIM OUT OF MY APARTMENT. HOWEVER, I DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE, SO I AM JUST PUSHING THE "MY FRIEND IS COMING OVER TO PICK ME UP, BLAH BLAH" AND HE FINALLY GETS UP. HE TELL ME THAT HE HAS TO GO ANYWAY BECAUSE HE IS AUDITIONING TO BE A CORPSE ON CSI. SO HE IS AN ACTOR. A BARTENDING, KNIFE THROWING, COMPETITION WINNING, ACTOR. WHO, TO GIVE HIM A LOT OF CREDIT, HAS PUT UP WITH MY CRAP ALL NIGHT. AFTER HE LEFT, I GOOGLE'D HIM, AND SURE ENOUGH, BOB IS ALL OVER THE KNIFE THROWING CIRCUIT AND DOING QUITE WELL. I KNOW IT'S PROBABLY A SHOCK TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE, BUT I NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN. I WILL NEVER KNOW THE JOY OF STANDING NEXT TO HIM AS HE TAKES THE CUP FOR GREATEST DISTANCE AND CLOSEST TARGET THROW. AND BOB PROBABLY COULDN'T BE HAPPIER ABOUT THAT.
TERRI SANDERSON
KEY WEST, FL
AGE: 38
I MET THIS GUY ONLINE AND WE SEEMED TO HIT IT OFF. FIRST DATE WAS AWESOME, WE TALKED AND THERE WAS DEFINITE CHEMISTRY. SECOND DATE AGAIN GREAT!WE HAD A LOVELY DINNER, WATCHED THE SUNSET AND HUNG OUT UNTIL MIDNIGHT. HE GAVE ME A GOODNIGHT KISS AND TREATED ME WITH GREAT RESPECT. OK NOW A WEEK LATER WE GO KAYAKING FOR OUR THIRD DATE. ITS THE KEYS SO WATERSPORTS IS ALWAYS A DATING OPTION. I HAVE A KAYAK AND KNOW MY WAY AROUND, SO I TAKE HIM TO AN OUT OF THE WAY "SWIMMING HOLE" IN THE MANGROVES. WE STAY THER ABOUT AN HOUR CHATTING IN THE SUN, EVERYTHING IS GOING GREAT! THEN WHEN ITS TIME TO LEAVE I ACCIDENTLY TIP THE KAYAK, HE IMMEDIATLEY THINKS I DID IT ON PURPOSE. HE WON'T EVEN LET ME FINISH MY APOLOLGY, SO NOW WE HAVE TO PADDLE ABOUT 30 MINS BACK IN DEAD SILENCE AND EACH TIME I TRY TO APOLOGIZE HE LAUGHS AT ME. SO WE GET BACK HE COLLECTS HIS THINGS, OFFERS ME A HANDSHAKE AND LEAVES LAUGHING OUT LOUD. I AM STUNNED, BECAUSE I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS JUST HAPPENED, SO I EMAIL HIM MY APOLOGY AND EXPLANATION OF HOW IT TIPPED. HE REPLIES BY SAYING THAT I MANIPULATED THE SITUATION AND THAT I AM CONTROLLING AND WON'T ADMIT IT. I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM SINCE I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
LEZLIE
TAMPA, FL
AGE: 22
I HAD BEEN MESSAGING A BOY OVER THE INTERNET AND HE SEEMED TO BE INTERESTED. WE SHARED PICTURES.. ON DAY.. WE HAD THIS PHONE CONVERSATION...
BOY: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?
ME: NOTHING.
BOY: WANT TO GO TO THE MALL??
ME: ARE YOU KIDDING? I WAS JUST THERE... (SIDE NOTE:I HAD JUST GOTTEN MYSELF OUT A BAD DATE AT THE MALL EARLIER IN THE DAY.)
BOY: NO...
ME: OH OK...SURE...
LOGISTICS CONVERSATION.
SO ANYWAY WE MEET AT THE MALL.. HAD A GOOD CONVO..10 MINUTES OF SWIFT WALKING LATER WE ENDED WHERE WE BEGAN. HE SHOOK MY HAND.
BOY: IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
ME: YOU'RE LEAVING?
BOY: YEA...
ME: ARE YOU KIDDING???
BOY: *SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS GIVES LOOKS OF OOPS ... WERE WE SUPPOSED TO DO MORE?* NO...
ME: OK...WELL I... GUESS..I'LL...TALK...TO... YOU LATER?
BOY: OKAY... BYE
RENDEVOUS IS COMPLETED. I'M IN SHOCK. I WALK AWAY... TURN AROUND.. MAKE A FEW PHONE CALLS... AND DECIDE TO GO TO THE MOVIES.. I COULDN'T HANDLE IT. WHAT. UNBELIEVABLE. WOW.. SO I MESSAGED HIM THE NEXT MORNING AND SAID "SO I GUESS THAT MEANS YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED."
NO RESPONSE...EVER.
TRACY
WEST MONROE, LA
AGE: 32
THIS DATE DIDN'T ACTUALLY MAKE IT TO BEING A DATE....
I HAD BEEN TALKING TO A GUY ONLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS AND WE DECIDED TO MEET. WELL OF COURSE I DIDN'T WANT TO MEET HIM THE 1ST TIME ALONE, SO I ASKED HIM TO PICK ME UP AT MY FRIENDS HOUSE. SAFTY IN NUMBERS! WELL I KEPT WAITING AND WAITING AND HE NEVER SHOWED OR CALLED. WELL, THE NEXT TIME I GOT ONLINE I HAD AN EMAIL FROM HIM. IT READ, 'SORRY. I PULLED UP AND WAS ABOUT TO GET OUT OF MY TRUCK AND A GUY WITH A MOHAWK CAME OUT THE DOOR.' AT THE TIME MY FRIEND SEAN HAD A MOHAWK AND I NEVER THOUGHT TO EXPLAIN ABOUT HIM. HE IS MY FRIEND AND I DON'T THINK TWICE ABOUT WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE. NEEDLESS TO SAY I NEVER HEARD FROM THE GUY AGAIN.
SABRINA
ORLANDO, FL
AGE: 27
I'VE BEEN DOING THE ONLINE DATING THING FOR SOMETIME NOW AND HAVE MET SOME REALLY COOL PEOPLE TO DATE/BE FRIENDS WITH. WELL, A FEW MONTHS AGO I MET A GUY ONLINE, HE DIDN'T LOOK LIKE THE HOTTEST THING IN HIS PICTURES, BUT FROM TALKING ONLINE, HE SEEMED VERY SMART AND WAS FUNNY AS WELL. SO I DECIDED TO GO ON A DATE. HE CAME AND PICKED ME UP AND FROM A WINDOW IN MY HOUSE, I COULD SEE HIM. MY ROOMATE AND I ABOUT DIED, SHE WAS LIKE "OH MY GOD, HIS HAIR IS LONGER THAN YOURS!!" I WAS LIKE "OH GOD, THIS IS GOING TO BE INTERESTING". HE WAS LIKE A TOTAL HEAVY METAL TYPE AND I WAS DRESSED LIKE I WAS READY TO GO OUT ON SOUTH BEACH, TOTAL OPPOSITES HERE. HE TOOK ME TO A NICE, LITTLE THAI RESTAURANT DOWNTOWN. AS WE WERE TALKING HE ASKED ME WHAT I WAS LIKE IN HIGH SCHOOL, SO I TOLD HIM. THEN I ASKED HIM, BIG MISTAKE!! WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, MIND YOU WE'RE IN A NICE RESTAURANT HERE, HE JUMPED OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND CRAWLED UNDER THE TABLE AND JUST STAYED THERE FOR A MINUTE. I LOOKED AROUND TOTALLY EMBARASSED AND WAS LIKE "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" AND HE GOT BACK UP AND SAID "WELL THAT'S WHAT I WAS LIKE IN HIGH SCHOOL. REALLY SHY AND HID FROM EVERYONE". I WAS SOOOO EMBARASSED!! THEN HE WANTED TO TAKE ME TO THIS LITTLE WINE COMPANY DOWNTOWN WHERE THE UPPITY UPS IF YOU WILL, OF ORLANDO GO. I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO STICK OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB. WE WALKED IN AND EVERYONE WAS KIND OF STARING AT US. I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO LOOK AROUND IN FEAR THAT SOMEONE I KNEW WAS THERE. WELL IT WAS KIND OF CROWDED SO I MADE UP THE EXCUSE "IT'S REALLY CROWDED AND NOT REALLY MY KIND OF CROWD, LET'S LEAVE". SO WE DID. THEN WE WERE WALKING BACK TOWARDS WHERE WE CAME FROM AND HE SAID "LET'S GO IN THERE" WHICH WAS A CLUB THAT I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE AT AND I SAID "I WAS JUST THERE LAST NIGHT, DON'T REALLY FEEL LIKE GOING AGAIN." AGAIN, AN EXCUSE. THEN HE ASKED "WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?" AND I SAID "I HAVE TO WORK IN THE MORNING REALLY EARLY AND I'M REALLY TIRED AND JUST WOULD LIKE TO GO HOME." SO HE TOOK ME HOME. AS I WAS GOING TO GET OUT OF THE CAR, HE TRIED TO KISS ME, AND I TURNED MY HEAD REALLY QUICK TO AVOID HIM. EVEN AFTER ALL THAT, HE STILL WANTED ME TO GO TO THE KEYS WITH HIM FOR A WEEKEND. OBVIOUSLY, A COUPLE DAYS LATER, I TOLD HIM IT WAS NOT GOING TO WORK OUT, THAT HE WAS A REALLY NICE GUY, BUT WE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE. NEEDLESS TO SAY, I ASK FOR QUITE A FEW PICS NOW BEFORE I AGREE TO MEET UP WITH ANYONE!! AND THAT FOLKS...IS MY BEST WORST DATE EVER!
APRIL MARIE
MORENO VALLEY, CA
AGE: 20
I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND IT WAS WITH THIS GUY THAT MY FRIEND HOOKED ME UP WITH FROM ANOTHER SCHOOL. WE WENT TO MILITARY BALL(WHICH IS A JROTC FORMAL DANCE)HE SHOWED UP LATE AND THEN AFTER ALL THE FORMALITIES AND DINNER CAME THE DANCING.....DURING DINNER HE WAS RUDE AND EMBARRASSED ME.....THE DANCING PART....HE WOULDN'T DANCE AT ALL.....HE CLAIMED THAT HE COULDN'T DANCE SO I SAT OUT A FEW DANCES WITH HIM AND WASN'T HAVING MUCH FUN THEN ONE OF MY GIRL FRIENDS DECIDED TO PULL ME UP ON THE DANCE FLOOR BY THE LOOK ON MY FACE AFTER THAT SONG HE CAME UP TO ME AND TOLD ME HE HAD TO LEAVE(MIND YOU WE HAD 2 HOURS LEFT TO GO)SO I TOLD HIM BYE SO THE REST OF THE NIGHT I DANCED WITH A BUNCH OF MY FRIENDS. I ALSO GOT TO DANCE WITH A GUY FRIEND WHO I GOT TO TEACH HOW TO SLOW DANCE(SINCE EVERYONE WAS TRYING TO HOOK US UP).BUT IT WAS HORRIBLE.....I FELT MISERABLE AND THAT IT WAS MY FAULT SOMEHOW THAT MY DATE WAS SO LAME.....I HEAR NOW THAT HE MARRIED ONE OF MY FRIENDS AND SHE'S DIVORCING HIM NOW......
ASHLEY N
ARKANSAS
AGE: 18
MANY PEOPLE ON HERE TALK OF DATE DISASTERS/MIRACLES THAT ARE DUE TO THE ONLINE DATING WORLD. MINE HAPPENS TO BE YOUR RUN OF THE MILL, BEST FRIENDS FOREVER TURNED LOVERS STORY. THE ONLY TWIST IS, IT WASN'T FOREVER, AND WE AREN'T LOVERS.
I HAD BEEN FRIENDS WITH THIS GUY FOR A FEW YEARS WHEN HE CONFESSED THAT HE WAS ATTRACTED TO ME. I THOUGHT HE WAS CUTE AND WANTED TO SEE WHERE THINGS WENT, SO I SAID SURE. WE WENT TO A NICE RESTAURANT THEN WENT TO HIS HOUSE TO WATCH MOVIES. WE WERE ON THE COUCH CUDDLING WHEN HE KISSED ME. IT WASN'T TOO BAD, TOO MUCH TONGUE, BUT I COULD DEAL. THEN HE STARTED MAKING MOVES ON ME, AND I STARTED LAUGHING-LOUDLY. I WASN'T TRYING TO BE RUDE, BUT I'M EXTREMELY TICKLISH AND I JUST WASN'T INTO IT. I BEGAN DOUBLING OVER WITH LAUGHTER, SO HE STOPPED, NEARLY DROPPED HIS JAW AND STARED AT ME. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THERE WERE NO MORE DATES FOR US.
STACY
ATLANTA, GA
AGE: 28
LIKE MOST OF THE PEOPLE HERE, MY BEST WORST DATE WAS WITH SOMEONE I MET ONLINE.
I'D BEEN TALKING TO THIS GUY FOR A LITTLE WHILE INCLUDING ON THE PHONE WHEN AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT I AGREED TO MEET HIM IN PERSON. (AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT BECAUSE HE ANNOYED ME ON THE PHONE - SAID HE WAS CALLING FROM A COUNTRY CLUB AND HOW EVERYONE KNEW HIM, BLAH BLAH BLAH - TRYING TOO HARD TO IMPRESS ME.)
HE CALLS AT ONE POINT SAYING HE'LL BE LATE BECAUSE OF CAR TROUBLES. FINALLY HE ARRIVES AT MY APARTMENT. TURNS OUT HE HAS THIS $300 CAR THAT OBVIOUSLY WASN'T RUNNING WELL (YES HE TOLD ME HE PAID $300 FOR THE CAR). HE'S COVERED IN GREASE AND GRIME AND INFORMS ME HIS CAR WILL PROBABLY NOT BE ABLE TO REVERSE.
LETTING THAT GO FOR THE MOMENT, WE DECIDE TO GET IN MY CAR AND RENT A MOVIE FROM BLOCKBUSTER. WHILE IN BLOCKBUSTER HE NOTICED ME GLANCING AT HIS (POORLY) DONE TATTOO. (I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST TATTOOS - I HAVE FOUR MYSELF.) HE THEN ASKS ME IF I'VE HEARD OF LIMP BIZKIT. I ANSWERED, "UH, YEAH" AS THIS WAS THE TIME WHEN "NOOKIE" WAS BEING PLAYED NON-STOP ON THE RADIO. HE THEN PROUDLY INFORMS ME THAT THE TATTOO WAS DONE BY THE GUITAR PLAYER OF LIMP BIZKIT WHILE THEY WERE IN PRISON TOGETHER. I HONESTLY THINK HE WAS MAKING ALL THAT UP BUT IT JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT EVEN IF HE WASN'T HE KNOWS NOTHING OF WHAT WILL IMPRESS A GIRL.
BEFORE AND AFTER THE BLOCKBUSTER TRIP HE'S TELLING ME ABOUT HIS JOB AT WAFFLE HOUSE AND ABOUT ALL THIS DRAMA AND HOW ALL THESE WOMEN ARE SO HOT FOR HIM, ETC. THE GUY WAS GOING FULL OUT IN LETTING ME KNOW HOW DESIRABLE AND COOL HE WAS.
OK, BACK TO MY APARTMENT AND IT'S MOVIE TIME. OF COURSE, HE'S TRYING TO SIT TOO CLOSE ON THE COUCH.
HE APPARENTLY HAD A NEW "GET A GIRL TO TOUCH YOU" TECHNIQUE. HE TELLS ME ABOUT THIS CONDITION HE HAS AND ONE OF RESULTS ARE THESE RIDGES IN THE BONES OF HIS FACE OR SOMETHING (IT'S BEEN A LOOONG TIME SINCE THIS HAPPENED AND MY MEMORY IS A BIT FUZZY ON SOME DETAILS). HE ASKS IF I WANT TO FEEL. WHEN I DEMURELY DECLINE HE GRABS ME BY THE WRIST ANYWAY AND HAS ME TOUCH HIS FACE WHICH INDEED IS ALL RIDGEY.
THIS GUY WAS ACTUALLY ATTRACTIVE IN THE FACE - YOU WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THE RIDGES UNLESS HE MADE YOU FEEL. BUT HE WAS THAT SUPER SKINNY TYPE AND HE HAD THIS OVERWHELMING AURA OF UNCLEAN ABOUT HIM. LIKE HE HAD A FINE LAYER OF GREASE THAT JUST WOULDN'T GO AWAY. WHICH, SADLY, I DON'T THINK COULD BE TOTALLY ATRRIBUTED TO THE CAR TROUBLE INCIDENT FROM EARLIER. HE WAS JUST SKANKY FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD. VERY UNAPPEALING.
FINALLY THE MOVIE IS OVER AND HE GOT THE HINT THAT IT WAS TIME FOR HIM TO GO. HE INSISTS ON THE BIG OL' GOOD NIGHT HUG (NO WAY HE WAS GETTING A KISS). AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW HE'S THE TOO TIGHT, KEEPS THE HUG GOING WAY TOO LONG HUGGER.
REMEMBER HIS EARLIER CAR TROUBLE AND THE FEAR THE CAR WILL NO LONGER GO IN REVERSE? HE GETS IN THE CAR AND SURE ENOUGH IT WILL NOT REVERSE. AND OF COURSE HE HAD PARKED IT WHERE THAT WAS THE ONLY OPTION OF HIM GETTING GOING. WHY HE DIDN'T PARK IS SO HE ONLY HAD TO DRIVE FORWARD TO GET OUT OF THE PARKING LOT, I WILL NEVER KNOW.
AFTER ATTEMPTING TO USE MY VEHICLE (I HAD AN SUV AT THE TIME) AND SHOE LACES (WHICH, OBVIOUSLY SNAPPED - THIS GUY WAS NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER) TO TOW HIM OUT, I STOMP INTO MY APARTMENT TO HUNT UP SOME ROPE.
I FIND THE ROPE AND WE GET HIM TOWED OUT. FORTUNATELY THAT WAS THE FIRST AND LAST TIME I'VE HAD TO TOW A DATE'S CAR.
IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN HE CALLED AFTER THAT A FEW TIMES. SERIOUSLY, THE GUY JUST HAD NO CLUE.
THE ONLY UPSIDE TO ALL THIS - IMMEDIATELY AFTER HE LEFT I CALLED MY BEST FRIEND AND WAS ABLE TO LAUGH ABOUT IT THEN INSTEAD OF YEARS LATER. AND THE STORY IS STILL GOOD FOR CHUCKLES THESE YEARS LATER.
AMOROSA
FLORIDA
AGE: 28
HE WAS GREAT...DINNER, BEACH, MUSIC... WE TALKED ALL NIGHT. A SAPANISH MAN WITH EDUCATION FULL OF RESPECT.... I MEAN A MAN THAT U WOULD LOVE TO BE WITH ALL UR LIFE... HE DIED... 5 YEARS A AGO AT 3 AM. ON HIS WAY HOME, OUR FIRST DATE... HE WAS DRIVING ON HIS WAY HOME IN A NIGHT LIKE THIS...TAKING TO ME ON THE CELL PHONE.
NO MORE DATES SINCE THEN THAT WAS MY WORSE FIRST DATE... AND MY LAST...
SMILE ALWAYS
SARAH
LOS ANGELES, CA
AGE: 28
MY EX BROKE UP WITH ME ON A POST-IT. IT WAS ACTUALLY A LITTLE LARGER THAN A POST-IT, BUT HE WROTE ME A LETTER STATING THAT HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND HAD JUST RETURNED FROM EUROPE AND SHE WANTED TO GET BACK TOGETHER. AND HE FELT LIKE HE SHOULD GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY. WELL, WE WERE STILL IN COLLEGE AT THE TIME AND RIGHT BEFORE CLASS HE DROPPED IT ON MY DESK AND SAID "CALL ME LATER IF YOU WANT TO TALK". WE WERE 27 YEARS OLD AT THE TIME. I READ IT NOT KNOWING WHAT IT SAID AND WAS, OF COURSE, UPSET. I DIDN'T SPEAK TO HIM NOR CALL HIM. WELL, WE ARE FILMMAKERS AND WE HAD A SHOOT THE NEXT WEEK AND HE WAS MY ASSISTANT DIRECTOR. I WAS VERY PROFESSIONAL AND COURTEOUS TO HIM ON SET AND IT KILLED HIM. I WAS SO PROUD OF MYSELF BUT THEN WHEN WE WRAPPED FOR THE DAY AND I WAS DRIVING HOME HE CALLED. I ANSWER MY PHONE, "WHAT?" HE SAYS TO ME THAT HE STAYED UP FOR HOURS TRYING TO WRITE THAT LETTER TO ME TRYING TO FIND SOME WAY TO BREAK UP WITH ME. THEN PROCEEDS TO TELL ME THAT IT WAS COMPLETELY FABRICATED, NONE OF IT WAS TRUE AND THAT HE HAD MADE A MISTAKE AND WANTED ME BACK. I HAD NO ANSWER BUT HE TALKED ME INTO HAVING DINNER WITH HIM AND THINGS KIND OF WENT BACK TO BEING THE WAY THEY WERE. I FIGURED HOW COULD I DISMISS HIM FOR BEING SCARED BUT I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO MY HEAD INSTEAD OF MY HEART.
SO A YEAR LATER, THINGS HAVE BEEN NORMAL, UP AND DOWN, CONFLICTING SCHEDULES AND SUCH, BUT I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM AT THIS POINT, MY FIRST EVER. AND HE HAD TOLD ME THE SAME. WE HAD TAPED OURSELVES HAVING SEX A FEW TIMES, JUST FOR US, WE NEVER BROADCAST IT TO ANYONE. BUT IT WAS A SPECIFIC CAMERA, HI-8, SO YOU NEED THE CAMERA TO WATCH THE TAPES. I ASKED HIM TO BORROW THE CAMERA SO I COULD WATCH THE TAPES ONE NIGHT. AND HE GAVE IT TO ME, I TOOK IT HOME, AND A FEW DAYS LATER DECIDED TO WATCH OUR TAPES. THERE WAS ALREADY A TAPE IN THE CAMERA AND WITHOUT EVEN REALLY THINKING ABOUT IT I PLAYED IT TO SEE WHAT IT WAS. IT WAS HIM HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, MIND YOU SHE LOOKED JUST LIKE ME, AND SHE DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS BEING TAPED. WELL THE CAMERA DATED THE TAPE, WHICH HAPPENED TO BE MONTH EARLIER WHEN I HAD GONE TO ARIZONA TO HELP ONE OF HIS FRIENDS MOVE. BUSTED. WORST PART ABOUT IT WAS THAT I FORCED MYSELF TO WATCH THE ENTIRE TAPE IN WHICH I FOUND OUT HE DIDN'T USE A CONDOM. I CALLED HIM ON IT, HE FREAKED OUT, KEPT CALLING AND TEXTING, COMING OVER TO MY APARTMENT.
ME, BEING THE STUPID GIRL I APPARENTLY AM, LET HIM BACK INTO MY LIFE ONCE AGAIN, THINGS WERE OF COURSE GREAT UNTIL A FEW MONTHS LATER HE DECIDES TO TELL ME THAT HE ISN'T READY TO BE WITH ONE WOMEN AND THAT ITS NOT FAIR TO ME NOR HIM TO BE UNDER THAT PRESSURE. SO I TRIED TO RESPECT THAT BUT TOLD HIM THAT WE HAD TO HAVE A CLEAN BREAK, NO SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER OR DRUNK DIALING OR BOOTY CALLS. HE AGREED. AT THE END OF THE SUMMER I WENT TO NYC TO VISIT MY GIRLFRIENDS FROM COLLEGE. THE FIRST NIGHT I WAS THERE, WE OF COURSE WENT OUT FOR GIRLS NIGHT, SHITFACED, WE WALK INTO A BAR IN SOHO AND THERE HE SITS WITH SOME OF OUR FRIENDS FROM LA. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES THAT I RUN INTO HIM IN SOME RANDOM WATERING HOLE IN NYC? SLIM, RIGHT? THAT'S KARMA FOR YOU. SO I KEPT MY COOL, AS DID HE, BUT IT BECAME UNCOMFORTABLE SO HE LEFT AND HIS FRIENDS STAYED BEHIND. I CAME TO FIND OUT WHY IT WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I STAGGERED OVER TO OUR FRIENDS AFTER HE LEFT TO SAY HELLO. THEY PROCEEDED TO TELL ME THAT HE WAS MOVING IN WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. WHAT GIRLFRIEND? BARELY SIX MONTHS AFTER ME? SO MUCH FOR NOT BEING READY TO BE WITH ONE WOMAN AFTER I TOTALLY HAD RESPECT FOR THAT. SO, I WAS DEVASTATED, WALKED OUT OF THE BAR AND PUNCHED A WALL WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE BRICK AND BROKE MY HAND. I STILL HAVE THE CAST ON MY HAND. I AM STILL IN THERAPY TO THIS VERY DAY. I STILL CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.
ALLISON
CHICAGO, IL
AGE: 23
THIS DATE HAPPENED WHEN I WAS 17. MY FRIEND JEAN HAD CALLED ME UP AND BEGGED ME TO COME WITH HER BECAUSE SHE WAS GOING ON A BLIND DATE. APPARENTLY HER DATE HAD A FRIEND WHO WOULD BE WILLING TO GO OUT WITH ME. BLIND DATES ARE NOT USUALLY MY THING, PLUS THE GUYS WERE BOTH ABOUT THIRTY WHICH I THOUGHT WAS TOO OLD--BUT HEY I FIGURED I HAD BEEN GOOD FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS, BEING A LITTLE BAD FOR ONCE AND HAVING FUN WOULD NOT HURT. I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO OUT WITH ALAN AND SHE WAS DATING JORDAN. WE ARANGED FOR THEM TO PICK ME UP AFTER WORK ONE NIGHT,SO WE COULD GO OUT TO DINNER AND A MOVIE.
WELL I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN FROM THE VERY BEGINNING THAT SOMETHNG WAS UP. FOR ONE THING MY DATE, ALAN WAS DRIVING AND JEAN WAS SITTING IN THE FRONT SEAT WITH HIM. JORDAN WAS SITTING IN THE BACKSEAT GRINNING AT ME. WELL... THE CAR RIDE WAS UM, INTERESTING. JORDAN KEPT TRYING TO FLIRT WITH ME, HOLDING MY HAND AND STROKING IT ALL THE WHILE MAKING LEWD JOKES--MIND YOU I'VE NEVER MET THIS GUY AND I'M SUPPPOSED TO BE ON A DATE WITH THE GUY IN THE FRONT SEAT. ALAN MENAWHILE IS IN THE FRONT SEAT GRINNING AND BLUSHING AT JEAN, TICKLING HER AND FLIRTING NON-STOP. FINALLY WE PULL INOT THE MOVIE PARKING LOT. WE COULD NOT AGREE ON WHAT MOIVE TO SEE. SO WE ALL BEGAN TO ARGUE. WE SUGGESTED THAT SINCE THEY WERE TAKING US OUT THEY SHOULD LET US PICK, BUT THEY BOTH ADMANTLY REFUSED. WE ARGUED FOR SO LONG THAT THE LAST MOVIE HAD ALREADY STARTED. THE ATTNEDANT AT THE TICKET COUNTER LOOKED PISSED> I THINK SHE WAS GETTING READY TO KICK US OUT. SO STILL ARGUING AND ANGRY COS' WE WERE NOT GOING TO GET TO SEE A MOVIE WE WALKED BACK TO THE CAR. GRUMBLING, JORDAN AND ALAN DECDIED THAT THEY WOULD TAKE US TO DENNY'S AND WE AGREED. I ACTUALLY LIKE DENNY'S FOOD AND IF WE DIDN'T GET TO SEE A MOIVE AT LEAST WE COULD EAT. I HAD BEEN WORKING ALL DAY AND WAS HUNGRY.
SO...WE GET TO THE RESTAURANT AND BOTH GUYS WERE STILL GRUMPY. I GUESS THEY THOUGHT IT WAS OUR FAULT BECASUE WE DID NOT WANT TO SEE THE MOVIE THEY DID. "WELL," ALAN MUTTERED "WE'RE NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN."
"AT LEAST WE AGREE ON ONE THING." I TOLD HIM. AFTER DINNER THE GUYS WERE SUPREMELY PISSED BECAUSE WE EXPECTED THEM TO PAY FOR OUR DINNER AND THEY STOMPED UP TO THE COUNTER TO PAY. I THINK I ENDED UP PAYING FOR MY OWN MEAL THAT NIGHT. THEN TO TOP IT ALL OFF. WE PILED BACK IN THE CAR, JORDAN IN THE BACKSEAT AGAIN, LEERING AT ME, HIS HANDS WHERE THEY DID NOT BELONG. ALAN WAS SO DISGUSTED THAT HE JERKED THE CAR INTO GEAR AND IMMEDIATELY SLAMMED INTO THE BUMPER OF THE CAR IN FRONT OF HIM. ALAN AND JORDAN BEGAN TO ARGUE AND YELL AT EACH OTHER. "JUST LEAVE IT! DRIVE AWAY MAN !" JORDAN SHOUTED SO DESPITE OUR PROTESTS AND WITHOUT ASKING IF WE, OR HIS FIRNED WERE OK, OR EVEN STOPPING TO INSPECT THE DAMAGE; ALAN LURCHED OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY AT TOP SPEED ADN SCREECHED ONTO THE STREET. HE CONTINUED TO DRIVE BADLY ALL THE WAY HOME CUTTING PEOPLE OFF AND HONKING. WHEN WE FINALLY GOTTO MY HOUSE I THOUGHT I HAD NEVER BEEN SO RELIEVED TO SEE THE PLACE IN MY LIFE. I TOLD JEAN GOOD NIGHT AND SAID GOODBYE TO THE GUYS, BARELY ABLE TO BE CIVIL, AND WENT INTO MY HOUSE. I CALLED JEAN THE NEXT NIGHT THAT I WOULD NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, LET HER SET ME UP AGAIN. I JOKINGLY TOLD HER "THANKS A LOT MAN..." HER REPLY?
"COME ON, THEY WEREN'T THAT BAD."
ARRGHH!!!!!!!
Gillian
Danvers, MA
Age: 28
I didn't meet this guy online...met him at work.... I know don't mix business with pleasure but this wasn't enjoyable at all!
He came to my house and picked me up, gave me a hug right away and starting thrusting his hips. EWW GROSS!
We sat in his car, and he decided to go about a 100 miles an hour shifting out of control and giving me whiplash. We got to the restaurant in once piece...thank GOODNESS.
We ordered dinner, and he started rubbing my legs with his stinky feet...then he said "do you want to see how I smile" (who asks that??) all he talked about was cars all night, never asked me what I like to do and stuff like that. The bill came...he got it and said ok your half is 15.00 + tip, umm it's okay for men to accept money from women WHEN they offer but it was the first date. We had a little while before the movie, and he said lets go back to your place and fool around, I said nah it's okay (quite forward if you ask me).
We saw a scary movie, and during a scary part I grabbed his hand and squeezed he pushed my hand away and said "oww you’re hurting me"
We got to my house, in his clunker car. He walked me in, giving my hugs from behind, drawing me closer to his thingy and thrusting. Tried to kiss me I turned away, he started licking my face.
I told him that I was going to bed and I was tired and it was time for him to go, and he said no I just want to hold you all night and watch you sleep. I had to call my neighbor from my bathroom to have him come over and get this kid to leave!
To this day at work, he still grabs me and says..."why aren't we together?"
Mari
Plantation, FL
Age: 47
I had been having a wonderful phone relationship with another woman I'll call Sue. She lived in New Jersey; I lived in Manhattan. The conversation flowed; we connected. Finally, we decided to meet in person. I schlepped to stinky Port Authority bus station and caught a bus to I think it was something like "Weehawken" or "Metuchen" or some other Indian-named place we'd colonized a couple of hundred years ago. The plan was she'd pick me up at the bus station in Jersey and she'd pack a picnic basket and we'd have lunch somewhere outdoors (preferably not near the landfill or toxic waste dumps). Sounds lovely for a first date (except it being in Jersey). We had given one another cues to recognize each other. Forget what it was now. So she picked me up, I got in her car and we started talking. About 8 minutes into the ride and the conversation she mentions, in passing, oh so briefly, "When I was in the institution..." Now, I work with mentally ill people and have for years. Part of my brain heard "institution" and glossed over it. Another part literally saw red. Warning! Warning! I began paying very very close attention to what she was saying, the gist of which was that she had just been released from the funny farm (I know it's not PC but I'm a shrink and it's funny to ME), and was looking for love now that she was out. I squirmed & squirmed. Then I asked her to take me back to the bus station. She did. I took a bus back to the city. The bus smelled like vomit. When I got home I wrote a poem about the experience. It was accepted by a prestigious literary magazine and published. So there are always silver linings to even the scariest/worst dates!
some chick
new york
Age: 31
We met face to face the first time on a sidewalk. Earlier the same day we'd met online. We emailed a bit, and then moved to a chat, and finally the phone. It was a weekend and I was impatient to meet the guy in person and see if we got along in person as well as we did online.
Outside of Starbuck's, on the sidewalk, I realize immediately that his photos online were old. First of all, he's shaved off all of his hair and he looks at least 5-8 years older than he was.
His skin, in the photos, normal and healthy looking, seems pale, thin, and about to crack, like really old lady skin. In short, he looks sick. Not "I had a cold" sick, but "I've been in the State mental hospital for way, way too long" sick. His eyes are watery and cloudy, and don't seem to really focus on my face.
He seems very nervous. We go into the Starbuck's anyway and order coffees, which he offers to pay for. Sitting down he immediately keeps moving too close. This gives me opportunity to notice that not only has he recently shaved his head, but he's done a very poor job of it, what with the raw, red scabs practically oozing on top of his head.
I say, "why did you shave your hair off?" trying to hide my revulsion. He mumbles something about balding and how this is better. Now in principle I agree with him - better than a comb-over anyway. But the scabs! It was like he was attacked by a drunken child with a straightedge razor.
He edges closer and closer while I move slowly away trying to look like I'm not doing anything at all. Meanwhile he is talking the whole time nonstop. He is going on and on about something that happened to him as a child. He repeats himself constantly, and if I try to change the subject he almost immediately brings it back. Eventually I give up and just listen.
While he's talking I notice he slurs his words a tiny bit, but nothing you'd really notice if he'd just shut up for a second!
He finally reaches the crux of the tale. After an epic childhood battle with his brother or maybe cousin, his face is slammed into the hard frame of the couch, upon which his front tooth popped out. Not his baby tooth, he anxiously assures me, sliding yet closer and breathing now, it seems, like a Sleestack (if you recall that 70's TV show, Land of the Lost).
He goes on to inform me that his tooth is still missing, some 25 years later! And that he recently had a prosthetic tooth installed.
I am now completely fascinated and don't even remember to inch away as he slides in closer.
He asks if I can tell that he talks funny and I assure him that he sounds fine. And he does sound fine. He now launches into a verbal essay on the subject of his (almost imperceptible) lisp and how it's horrible. He plans to get a permanent prosthetic tooth implant soon to replace the removable one, and to eradicate the lisp.
I peek at the clock and realize he's been lecturing me on the state of his tooth for nearly half an hour. I begin to panic. Dear god, what if I've reached hell? I mean, first of all, I'm in Starbuck's, and then there's this guy...
Suddenly, he pops out the fake tooth! Covering his mouth with one hand, and brandishing the tooth on its retainer-like wire in my face with the other, he utters, "theee? thhhith ith how I really talkth. I jutht wanted you to hear my nathural voith."
Summer
Erie, PA
Age: 27
Ok. Long story short....
Went on date with a guy from myspace. Went to dinner. All I ordered was an appetizer. Now, I am 5'8" and weigh around 155. Normal... Not skinny not fat... very athletic... anyway. I order nachos that turned out to be individual nachos... about 12 on the plate. I eat 4 of them and the guy says, "Are you going to eat anymore of those, you've already eaten four?" Then he makes a pig grunting noise. I COULDN"T believe it. I would have left... but he picked me up...(that is when I learned a lesson about dating on the net.... Meet the person at the place! VERY IMPORTANT... that way you can leave if you need too). Then, I didn't eat anymore of them.... I know.. I shouldn't have cared.. and I really didn't, but it was embarassing. The waitress came over and asked if I wanted to take the rest home and he said, "Youre not going to take that with you... are you?" I said ... "I guess not". He asked if I wanted to go anywhere else and I said no... just home. I never jumped out of a car soooooo fast in my life after telling him to FUCK OFF! Haven't spoken to him since.... Doesn't that suck though.
Eric Baum
NYC
Age: 34
Ok, this is the worst: A few years back an Intenet date agreed to meet me for a drink at a local cafe.
She seemed a little distant and guarded until her cell phone rang an hour after we sat down at 7:30 p.m.
After a few minutes of chatting she hung up and said a friend agreed to be her "back up plan" and call an hour into the date.
Not knowing if things would go well between us she made plans to cut our first date short and meet her "back up plan" at 9 p.m.
Things actually went better than expeced. She said she liked me and invited me to come along and meet her friend, who had a table reserved at a Lower East Side bar.
By this time I felt as if my life had become a David Sedaris story and I agreed to participate in the second unplanned leg of our first date.
Her friend was waiting for us in a booth shaped like a large wine keg. He wore all black and greeted her with a kiss.
I got a weak handshake and very insincere smile. They had been friends for years, he explanined, and then the two of them started a very private and intimate conversatatino which lasted for about two hours.
Having had enough I excused myself to go home, leaving them at bar. This may not have been the worst date I've ever experienced but for some reason it stands out.
Monique
Philadelphia
Age: 31
What do I do wrong? Take my date with Henry. I went out with him one week after moving back to Philly. He gave great email—quick, clever, flirty and oh so much fun to read. His picture was cute. He thought my picture was adorable. His deep, slightly hoarse Australian accent was so gorgeous it made my eyes cross. He suggested we meet at a cool dive bar. I was impressed.
I wondered all week what a cute, tall, Jewish doctor was doing trolling the World Wide Web for chicks. I found out the moment I walked into that bar. He tottered off the stool and lunged in to give me a hug. Now, I’m no prude, but the musk of a thousand beers assaulted my nostrils as he moved in. He was drunk.
We were set to meet at 6:30. He arrived an hour earlier and had been pounding lagers. That’s hot. Not that I judge the occasional overindulgence in alcohol, or anything else. I’m not perfect. Sure, I would be if I lost maybe 30 or so pounds, worked extensive voodoo on my hair to make it submissive and sold my soul to ensure a forever-hairless upper lip.
I’m addicted to lip balm. I understand the life of a junkie. He told me I should quit the balm. It’s bad for me. He then proceeded to talk about his ambition to acquire wormwood to make his own absinthe. He read to me from Modern Drunkard. He told me I should stop watching television. It, too, is bad for me. It will rot my brain.
Why didn’t I go home? Because I realized that I have a magical gift. That gift is to date and make out with the inner loser in even the most promising men.
MARIA CERRATO
Iraq
Age: 37
I had just moved to the DC area having gotten a GS position at Walter Reed. I just got divorced and was a little anxious about dating. I work in and ICU and my preceptor was a guy a few years older than I and had also just gotten divoced. Since I dont usually date or have ever dated anyone older than me maybe this would change my luck. We set up a dinner date. I coming from NYC dressed as normal but tuned down a bit. He surprisingly came in a dress shirt and slacks. H took me to a great Italian restaurant downtown DC. Converstion was going great. I can tell he was nervous. Our dinners came then he devoured his dinner and while picking his teeth put his feet up on the next chair. I had only had 3 bites off my dinner. Wow no wonder I dont date older guys. It was kinda awkward at first since we work together. He kept asking me out. Finally I said I dont want to date you cuz you upset my stomach.
katie schwartz
los angeles, CA
Age: 33
My preliminary dating experience on, Who-The-Fuck-Cares-What-Mainstream-Dating-Site-I-was-on; was comprised of a 12 step fool who said, If you want to date me, you need to be in Alanon. That’s before asking me my name.
What if I had a fat, guttural name, like, Sally? There are certain names I won’t date, like, Craig’s, Greg’s, Earl’s, Berle’s, Lester’s or Chester’s. Isn’t it obvious why?
Evidently, not to mister, Work your program. All he cared about was my willingness to schlep up steps for him. I’m sorry, but learning how not to be co-dependent to the recovering addict just isn’t enough of a perk for me. I want a free gift with purchase and something far more substantial than behavior modification.
Hot on his heels was a disturbed OBGYN whose idea of foreplay was to describe his job as, “Ewww, disgusting.” As if that weren’t creepy enough, ol’ gynolicious spent the next 30 seconds saying, “Oh, Katie, Katie, when are we having a baby.” “Katie, Katie, you are my new lady.” “Do you love me yet, Katie.”
I blocked his ass faster than a hooker turns a trick!
I was desperate to delete my profile, but decided I’d give it one more go, and boy was I glad I did. I got an introductory email from a man who wished to be called, Captain Thunder. I don’t know what bothered me the most about his intro, the fact that he wore high heels, or that he bought them at Payless. And quite frankly, reading the minutia details of ass fucking him with a strap on while he wears a superhero costume and stilettos; struck me as, oh, I don’t know, a little too tepid for an introduction.
The real prize was yet to come. His name was Vinnie. His hobbies included smelling his own feet at the end of a hard day gutting fish, eating cherries jubilee on Sundays, not killing the mother of his child, playing X-Box and seeing how many hours he could log consecutively on AIM with his T-Mobile Side Kick.
A few months later I decided to try Craigslist. My inbox was filled with all sorts of promising mail. The yellow lion, an Asian chap whose snappy prose promised to take me to the Candy Shop with his Pimp, Thug Life tongue. Blake, the ex-con, now gainfully employed with Quizno’s, put his cards right on the table, “Been ten-years since I got me some. Need a lady friend. Stop by Quizno’s and say hi. There’s a free meal in it for you if we click.” The most intriguing of this brood, I affectionately nicknamed, the little stem cell that could. He bore a striking resemblance to that generic sci-fi image of a clone gone awry. He promised weekends filled with shopping sprees to Ikea and romantic dinners at the Olive Garden, all in his hometown of West Covina, conveniently located at the Fashion Exit off the 10.
Could this get any more futile? I was incapable of manifesting someone even teetering, slightly the stratosphere of normal.
Because my self-esteem was merely wallowing, I logged back onto, Like-It-Really-Fucking-Matters.com so my self-esteem could truly plummet and burn.
And it SUPER did!
Let me just preface all of this by saying, I am well aware of my shortcomings and freely discuss them. The twin hangers, the silicon free lips, the flat Jew ass, the chubby body and the painfully obsessive, neurotic, aloof, push, pull mind whose favorite pastime is jumping to conclusions. But that’s only when I’m not second guessing, or berating myself.
I quickly learned that every male personal ad offers up a tall glass of zero personality flaws with a twist of utopian companionship.
There are three types of men online. Adjective boy, who opens with, “Not your typical LA-guy.” He’s a thinking artisan, massage therapist, painter, sculptor, computer parts salesman, screenwriter, director and finally, holistic healer. But his real passion is music. He’s got a ditty to spin for his new honey and a black and white photo of his pensive self strumming his acoustical guitar to prove it!
Than there’s the angry man child who italicizes his thirst for sensuous soul connecting walks along the beach, the desire to build and share a quiet life together predicated on trust and intimacy. He takes his time to spell out his long list of values. Yet he capitalizes, “Me: 40s, VGL, 6ft, 190 lbs., in shape. You: stacked. Under 25. 95 pounds. 5’3. Available when I call and seeking the perks of a benefactor.” God forbid the schizophrenic’s pussy grows one follicle of hair, or worse, loses it’s pretty in pink elasticity.
The third type of man would be a wolf in sheep’s clothing because I’m interested enough to respond to his fucking ad.
Things were trucking along with wolf #1. He was 36, easy on the eyes and bright enough to keep pace in conversation. I was fascinated by the fact that he had been at the same job for 17-years with plans to retire there. He was an operations manager with an airline. His stories were about as exciting as visualizing Carl Rove on all fours wailing, "I'm Cumming, Bush. I'm Cumming." But I was obsessed with his big airline pride. Not cock- Actual pride. We agreed to meet in a well lit public restaurant. As I approached, this tall, 8 month pregnant looking man bounded over to me, sporting a layered tooth grin and wearing an inappropriately massive gold and onyx mall ring on his right finger. Surprise! That was him. He was actually 50 with a turrets eye twitch and a corn fed face. He thought sending me that fabulous bronzed photo of himself when he was 25 would be funny.
Wolf #2 was a smart, witty, clever boy, who loved to dine at the Y. My wonderful friend, Joy found him for me. Within a week, the chemistry was so hot; my vulva lips were twitching like a country crickets.
As week two fast approached, he asked me if I’d like to meet him for coffee at King’s Road. I was convinced this wolf could ravage the flames of my body and leave me limp as a willow on a humid summer day. I was going!
We agreed to meet in front. He said he’d be the one pacing with a limp. I said, “If you’re injured, we can hook up another time. No problem.”
So, he says to me, “Oh, no, I’m not injured. I’m missing a leg and my prosthesis makes me limp.”
Funny! He had no problem telling me he was in recovery for some rehab centric addiction; and PS, when did I become the poster child for 12-step dating?! Or about his father’s brother’s son molesting him when he was 10, or about his dysfunctional relationship with his sister. But somehow he forgot tell me that he was missing an entire LIMB?! Not a digit. Not half a leg, but a full and complete leg, from groin to toe.
Of course I overreacted. Who wouldn’t?! The limbless wonder felt I was being an irrational bitch! And I have since closed my legs for business.
Cami
Illinois
Age: 38
For years I had been very successful at dating. I was the only one in our circle of friends without a horror date tale. That was until, I went out with this guy I met at the mall. And he shall remain nameless, because I do not want to give him a reason to call me.
He arrived on time, which is always a plus in my book. I looked out the peephole to see his smiling face, another plus....then I opened the door. I am going to bypass his outfit, because "to each it's own" when it comes to fashion. Okay, we walk pass my new car to his, I don't know what year, make or model car. So, I offered to drive, not because I had a new car, but because we had to go about 40 minutes (highway) oneway to our destination and I didn't think his car could handle the trip.
He insisted that we take his car because the man should drive on the first date, blah, blah, blah. Everything was going fine until we got to the first red light, where you guessed it...it cut off. Don't worry, it started right back up. I reminded him how to get to the highway, and he politely said, "I don't drive on the highway in this car. And besides it gives us a chance to get to know one another."
The next red light, he throws the car in netrual, keeps his foot on the gas until the light turns green. We peel away from the light going about 50, my neck snaps back and the seatbelt pins me against the seat. After 40 minutes of jerking and pulling, I picked another resturant which happened to be something we were passing by. Now mind you, it was it a Maxwell Street hotdog and polish saugage outdoor stand. Much cheaper than the fancy dining that we were going to. He
brought me back to the car a polish, fries and a can of soda. And can you believe he wanted to share my food, and the part I didn't eat, he did. After he finally got me home, he walked me to the door and EXPECTED A GOODNIGHT KISS.
I couldn't kissed him if I wanted to, from the jerking and pulling from the ride, I felt like I had been in a accident.
p.s. He called me the next day to ask me out again, which I kindly refused.
Heather Wilcox
Van Nuys, CA
Age: 36
I had to walk past
a homeless woman
scattered on the lawn
looked half-dead
just to meet you
at 9:00 blindate
doughnut shop.
One not bad looking man
kept staring at me, smiling
I kinda liked him
but thought of you
as I emulsified
my mint chocolate chip
icecream in a styrfoam cup.
You came in all attitude
no class,
said you had a seven
month old baby girl
mothered by your
ex-online girlfriend,
said you'd like to send your baby girl back where she came from.
Said you hated the doughnut shop.
How could I have chosen
this loud crowded spot,
with this ultra-bright
ultraviolet light
that really makes you look
too white.
He said he was looking for a distraction from his ex
because they kept breaking up
and making up. Said he
wanted to forget her
So we said goodbye,
and a little humiliated,
I waded back home,
trying not to trip
on earthquake concrete cracks,
walking past a kid on crack
with hell in his eyes,
and then a nice looking fellow
rode by on a bike
and said Hola.. Adios...
Que La Vaya Bien.
bora
seattle, wa
Age: 20
ok...so i'm not a newbie to the internet dating world, and my favorite site to post on is craigslist. word. anyways, i had just been dumped by this british nerd who had asked me to go to the new star wars movie on opening night. i said yes, i made dinner, took it to his place, and he never opened the door. i called several times that night but no answer, and i havent heard from him since. but wait, that's not the worst date story, that's just the start.
i was pissed off. and i wanted to go watch the movie, since, i am, and we do exist boys, a star wars fanatic. well i went home, i posted an ad on craigslist and went looking for a guy to go with. low and behold, i found him. he was nice, he was into star wars, and he was willing to pay for dinner since i had already bought the tickets. so i said, "ok. pick me up at my house."
my date drives over, problem #1, he couldnt find my house. so i walked 1/2 a mile (in heels) to the nearest landmark for him to pick me up at.
problem #2. he was drugged up. his eyes were glazed over, he slurred his words, and he walked really slow. at first i thought, maybe he's a pot head, could be high, i'm ok with that. but when i asked him, he got all offended and snapped at me, told me he had slipped a disc and was on medication. wow. ok. no need to bite my head off!
problem #3. i dont eat fast food. supersize me turned me off. and this guy wanted to have mcdonalds for dinner, i refused and said there was a nice sushi place really close to my house. so we went there. we sit down, i order spicy tuna rolls, he orders yakisoba/chicken teriyaki. ok. so we made small talk. he was rather boring, didn't have much to talk about other than his new car and his addiction to his meds. i asked him if he wanted to try my spicy tuna, he says ok. pops one in his mouth, chews on it, and spits it out on his plate. told me i was a freak for liking raw fish and quickly finished his chicken.
problem #4...remember when i said that we had agreed to split the cost of the whole date? i get the movie and he gets dinner? well the check came, and we had about 15 mins to get to the theater, and he gets up and walks to the bathroom. i mean. the check was only for $30, if he wanted me to pay my half and he asked, i woulvd've payed my half. but no! the asshat got up and left me with the check. so i plopped down $40 for time's sake and went out to the car.
problem #5...we get to the theater, he says, "i dont feel like star wars. lets watch something else." and i'm like "omfg...what is this fool thinking? we agreed on star wars!" and yet again, for time and my health's sake, i gave in, let him pick a movie, unleashed. a sorry waste of my time and money.
problem #6. after the movie was over, i was not in the mood to keep up this date with this man any longer, i asked him to take me home. well he insisted that he wanted to talk. so we pulled into the parking lot of my old high school. he turns off the car, and leans over for a kiss! after all the shit he put me through he wanted some action! so of course, since all women are evil little bitches, i let him kiss my neck, i let him explore me. i told him we should move into the back seat, i manuevered myself into a position that i new his back couldnt stand (remember he had slipped a disc? i probably should've told you that i'm a chiropractic receptionist/yoga practiser so i knew things and postions he didnt)few seconds later, he hurts his back, cant move, i slip out from under him, and tell him to go and *uck himself. i walked home, end of the night, i thought i'd never hear from him again.
i was wrong, he wrote to me and asked if i wanted to go out again. oy vey.
Shannon
New Jersey
Age: 28
This may not be the Worst date ever but it's a life lesson in Internet dating: Never meet anyone without a picture!!
I been chatting on and off with this one guy from the internet and I was always hesistant to meet him because he didn't have a picture. After a few hours of convincing me he was good looking and the fact he was studying to be a doctor, I figured he couldn't have been that bad.
We decided to meet in a Home Depot parking lot and as I went to park next to his car, my heart sank. He was GOD awful ugly and that wasn't even the worse part. When I got out of the car I just wanted to get back in and step on the gas but I was nice and gave him a hug hello. That's when I was blinded by his hideous teeth. They weren't just all yellow stained from smoking and coffee but there were little strips of black in between them as if he had put permanent black marker across each tooth to make it look like he had braces....ICK!!!!
Being I am such a nice person I decided to go through with the date but took seperate cars. While driving to our dinner destination I tried to lose him on the highway but his shitty car was able to keep up, go figure.
The jerk took me to Burger King for dinner!! After I barely could stomach my food from watching his horrid teeth chewing his food I had to get out of there. So we are walking out of BK and he wants to sit and talk. He grabs my hands and I felt like I was holding sandpaper. His hands were so rough and dry and his skin was cracked and I thought the night couldn't get any worse. I again tried to make up an excuse to leave and he wanted to go to a HOTEL ROOM!!!! I couldn't believe he thought I would actually want to have sex with him.
As I was walking to my car he wanted to give me a kiss and I said I had a cold and didnt want to give him one as well.
Then end result: I never drove so fast in my life to escape someone and I never talked to him again.
april
MA
Age: 29
Ok, so I gave online dating a chance a few months ago and met a nice guy. He was a little quirky, but it was cool b/c I am not. I liked the fact that we were not on the same playing field all of the time. That being said we dated had fun and things were cool.
Then, BAM, and listen up men b/c this is not cool, I get a text from him (at 7:45 A.M!) saying "UR a nice girl but we are not compatible".. HUH? What? Did I just read that right? Didn't you just introduce me to your mom yesterday?
I was blind sided for sure.. What can you do? So I called the jerk to try and understand his thought process but there was none of that happening. After about 2 minutes I was forced off the phone with a "we are just not right together". "You are looking for someone and it isn't me and your not for me". Fine. Enough said. I am not chasing anyone. I am a lady and I accept a persons feelings towards me. But WTF?! A text message? F'n Loser!
Note to self: If a relationship/dating starts with an email, it will end in an email/text.
No more internet dating for this girl. Ok maybe not until I get bored again...
Ok, It's 1:06 p.m. I am already bored... ;)
JUSTINE DELUCIA
DEERFIELD BEACH, FL
AGE: 25
WELL IF YOU WANT THE BEST WORST DATE PLEASE LOOK NO FURTHER BECAUSE IT’S RIGHT HERE. NOW YOU MUST FIRST UNDERSTAND THAT I AM NOT WRITING THIS TO BAD MOUTH THIS PERSON OR DISCREDIT HIS PERSONALITY. HE REALLY WAS A VERY NICE GUY. OK SO I MEET THIS GUY WE WILL CALL HIM FISH. OUR FIRST DATE IS GREAT HE TAKES ME TO A REALLY NICE RESTAURANT, THERE’S GOOD CONVERSATION COULDN’T ASK FOR A BETTER FIRST DATE. WE SAY GOODNIGHT WE EVEN HAVE A REALLY NICE GOOD NIGHT KISS. OK SO WE CONTINUE TO GO ONE A SECOND DATE THEN A THIRD DATE THE WHOLE TIME I’M THINKING THIS IS GREAT. NOW I ALSO HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT FISH WORKS NIGHTS AND I WORKS DAYS SO WE REALLY ONLY GOT TO SEE EACH OTHER ONCE A WEEK. NOW DATE FOUR COMES AROUND WE DECIDED WE ARE GOING TO GO TO THE MOVIES. WE GET OUT OF THE CAR AND MR. FISH IS WEARING OVERALLS YES I SAID IT OVERALLS!!!!!! OH WAIT IT GETS WORSE NOT ONLY ARE THEY OVERALLS BUT THEY ARE WHITE DENIM TOMMY HILFIGER OVERALLS. NOW YOU WANT TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY HE HAD ON STRAP UNDONE AND THEY WERE TIGHT I DON’T MEAN A LITTLE TIGHT I’M TALKING BOOTY HUGGING ANKLE BITING TIGHT. OH MY GOD SOMEONE SAVE ME. NOW I CONSIDER MYSELF A BIT OF A FASHION DIVA SO YOU CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE PURE AND TOTAL HUMILIATION AND EMBARRASSMENT OF THIS SITUATION. AND WE WENT TO GO SEE A VERY FUNNY MOVIE AND HIS LAUGH WAS SO LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS AND CONTINUED AFTER THE WHOLE THEATER WAS DONE THAT PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY SSSHHHING HIM……..YES MY DATE IN THE WHITE VERY TIGHT OVERALLS WITH BLACK SNEAKERS AND A BLUE SHIRT (JUST SO YOU CAN GET THE FULL PICTURE)…….WAS BEING SUSHHHED . JUST TO TOP IT OFF AS WE WALKED OUT OF THE THEATER THERE WERE PEOPLE POINTING AND LAUGHING. TO ME THIS WAS NOT IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM FUNNY. SOMEONE FIND ME A ROCK BECAUSE I NEEDED TO HIDE UNDER IT.
YOURS TRULY
MISS MORTIFIED
CHRISTINA
NJ
AGE: 31
WHERE DO I START THIS ONE....A FEW YEARS AGO WHEN ONLINE DATING STARTING TO GET POPULAR I REGISTERED ON MATCH.COM AND MEET A GUY THAT I THOUGHT HAD POTENETIAL. WELL NEEDLESS TO SAY HE HAD POTENTIAL TO BE AN ASS! I HAD BEEN IN A REALLY BAD CAR ACCIDENT WHEN I WAS 19 AND AM UNABLE TO DRIVE WITH OTHER PEOPLE SO I OFFERED TO PICK HIM UP. I DROVE TO HIS APARTMENT AND PICKED HIM UP WE DECIDED TO GO FOR DRINKS AT A LOCAL BAR. OUR CONVERSATION ENTAILED MOSTLY OF HIS SEXUAL ESCAPEDS WHICH APPARENTLY HE HAD FREQUENTLY. WHILE LISTENING TO HIM TELL ME IN DETAIL ABOUT HIS SEX LIFE I CONTINUED TO DRINK MY COSMOPOLITANS. WELL AFTER ABOUT 2 HOURS I HAVE HAD ENOUGH, I STOOD UP AND WAS ABOUT TO WALK AWAY WHEN HE PICKED UP MY HALF DRANK COSMO AND FINISHED IT! EW!!! HELLO ARE YOU THAT CHEAP? OR JUST WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE MY MOUTH HAS BEEN...I DROVE HIM HOME AND HE OFFERED ME TO COME IN SO I DID, AND I DONT KNOW WHY..HIS HOUSE LOOKED LIKE A BOMB BLEW UP IT IN. HIS FURNITURE LOOKED LIKE SOMETHING THAT HE GOT FROM THE TRASH, I DIDNT EVEN WANT TO SIT DOWN ON IT. I THINK THAT HE WAS TRYING TO ADD ME TO THE LIST OF HIS CONQUESTS SO I THOUGHT IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO LEAVE. SO I BOD HIM A GOOD NIGHT AND LOST HIS NUMBER AS SOON AS I LEFT THE FRONT DOOR...SO NOW ITS BEEN YEARS LATER AND HE IS STILL ON THE ONLINE DATING SERVICE, GUESS HE IS STILL HAVING ESCAPDES.
KRISTINE
CHICAGO, IL
AGE: 32
MY BEST WORST DATE HAPPENED LAST SUMMER. I MET THIS GUY ON THE INTERNET, AND IT WAS OUR FIRST DATE. WE TALKED ON THE PHONE A LOT BEFORE THE DATE, AND WE GOT ALONG GREAT. HE EVEN SUGGESTED THAT I MIGHT BE HIS SOULMATE OVER THE PHONE BEFORE OUR MEETING. HOW FAR FROM THE TRUTH THIS WAS. THE PLAN WAS FOR HIM TO DRIVE TO MY APARTMENT, PICK ME UP, AND TAKE ME TO A TAPAS RESTAURANT THAT I'D BEEN DYING TO GO TO DOWNTOWN. I LIKED THIS GUY ON THE PHONE, SO I DROPPED MY RULE ABOUT MEETING SOMEONE FROM THE INTERNET AT THE RESTAURANT OF CHOICE. BIG MISTAKE. ANYWAY, THE DATE STARTED OUT PRETTY WELL. HE HAD TO DRIVE A FAR DISTANCE TO GET TO MY APARTMENT, AND HE MENTIONED BEING A LITTLE STRESSED OUT ABOUT THAT, BUT HE BROUGHT ME A DOZEN LONG STEMMED ROSES... UNFORTUNATELY THAT WAS THE ONLY THING HE DID SORTA RIGHT (I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED A SINGLE ROSE FOR A FIRST BLIND DATE, BUT WHATEVER). SO NOW WE'RE OFF TO THE CITY. THE CITY IS ABOUT 30 MINUTES FROM MY APARTMENT, AND WE WERE HEADING OUT THERE ON A SATURDAY NIGHT, SO WE RAN INTO TRAFFIC. THIS GUY'S TRUE COLORS STARTED TO SURFACE. ROAD RAGE ISN'T QUITE THE WORD I WOULD USE TO DESCRIBE THIS GUY'S BEHAVIOR (I FORGOT HIS NAME, SO LET'S JUST CALL HIM "GUY"). HE STARTED FLICKING OFF OTHER DRIVERS AND SHOUTING OUT PROFANITY... AND MAY I REMIND YOU, THIS IS A FIRST DATE. HE WAS DRIVING WAY TOO FAST ONCE THE TRAFFIC DIED DOWN AND WE ENTERED THE CITY. SO FAST, IN FACT, THAT HE ALMOST RAN OVER A PEDESTRIAN ATTEMPTING TO CROSS THE STREET BECAUSE GUY ALMOST RAN THE RED LIGHT. WHEN THE PEDESTRIAN JUMPED OUT OF GUY'S WAY, GUY SHOUTED OUT OF THE CAR, "NEXT TIME I'LL HIT YOU, M.F.". I WAS THINKING TO MYSELF AT THIS POINT, "O.K., THIS GUY HAS ANGER ISSUES, I WON'T DATE HIM AFTER TONIGHT, LET'S JUST TRY TO GET THROUGH DINNER". IT WAS VENETIAN NIGHT IN CHICAGO ON THE DAY OF OUR DATE, SO PARKING WAS A NIGHTMARE. HE DECIDED TO NOT HAVE THE CAR VALET PARKED (ANGRY AND CHEAP), SO WE PARKED A GOOD 2 MILES FROM THE RESTAURANT... AND HE DIDN'T DROP ME OFF FIRST. SO, I WALKED 2 MILES IN MY BCBG SHOES, AS HE WALKED WAY AHEAD OF ME TO BOOT. I ASKED HIM TO SLOW DOWN AND WALK WITH ME, AND HE ACTUALLY DID FOR A WHILE. WALKING BEHIND US WERE 2 GUYS THAT WERE MAKING COMMENTS ABOUT MY BUTT... I HAPPEN TO HAVE A VERY NICE BUTT, BUT THEY WERE GAWKING AT IT LOUD ENOUGH FOR ME TO HEAR. I WOULD THINK A GENTLEMAN WOULD ASK THE GUYS TO STOP COMMENTING ON HIS DATE'S BUTT, BUT THAT MUST HAVE BEEN TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR, SO I HAD TO TURN AROUND AND SAY SOMETHING TO THE GUYS TO GET THEM TO STOP. IN MY MIND, I'M STILL THINKING, "KRIS, YOU HAVE TO TRY TO GET THROUGH THIS DATE... HE DROVE YOU HERE". SO WE GET TO DINNER... THE FOOD WAS AMAZING, THE SANGRIA HELPED, AND THEN HE ASKED "THE QUESTION". HE ASKED ME IF I WOULD LIKE TO SEE HIM AFTER TONIGHT. BEING AN HONEST PERSON, I REPLIED WITH, "I DON'T THINK WE ARE VERY COMPATIBLE". WHEN HE INQUIRED MORE ABOUT THE SUBJECT, I EXPLAINED THAT I'M A PRETTY LAID BACK PERSON, AND HE IS... WELL, NOT. WHEN HE ASKED ME HOW I CAME TO THIS CONCLUSION, DESPITE MY BETTER JUDGEMENT, I WENT THROUGH THE EVENTS OF THE EVENING... THE SWEARING, THE ALMOST RUNNING OVER SOMEONE... THEN HE SAID, "I WASN'T ANGRY TONIGHT... YOU WILL KNOW WHEN I'M ANGRY". THAT IS WHEN I POLITELY EXCUSED MYSELF FROM THE TABLE, WENT DOWNSTAIRS TO THE BATHROOM, AND CALLED MY BEST GUY FRIEND TO COME PICK ME UP. PROBLEM THOUGH... THE PURSE I BROUGHT THAT NIGHT WAS TINY, AND MY KEYS TO MY APARTMENT DIDN'T FIT IN IT, SO I LEFT MY KEYS IN HIS CAR (2 MILES AWAY). REMEMBERING THIS, I RETURNED TO THE TABLE, STOOD UP AND POINTED TO HIM SAYING, "DON'T WORRY ABOUT DRIVING ME HOME, MY FRIEND IS COMING TO GET ME. MY KEYS ARE STILL IN YOUR CAR, SO YOU WILL GO TO YOUR CAR AND BRING MY KEYS BACK TO ME". I SAT OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT, LUCKY FOR ME IT WAS A NICE NIGHT, AND FINALLY HE CAME WITH THE CAR. INSTEAD OF SAYING, "COME ON KRIS, I'LL DRIVE YOU HOME, THIS IS RIDICULOUS"... HE THREW (YES, THREW) MY KEYS AT ME ON THE STREET AND SPED OFF IN HIS CAR. I CAN'T SAY I'M JEALOUS FOR THE LUCKY LADY THAT HE MIGHT BE TAKING ON A DATE TONIGHT.
STEPHANIE CORRELLI
BALTIMORE, MD
AGE: 26
ALL OF US HAVE PROBABLY BEEN ON A DATE THAT WAS JUST UNSPEAKABLE IN TERMS OF ATROCIOUSNESS. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT—THE KIND OF DATE THAT GETS FEATURED IN THE “HALL OF SHAME” ON TV’S “BLIND DATE.”
THE KIND OF DATE WHERE YOU’RE LEFT SPEECHLESS AFTER IT’S OVER, SHUDDERING AT YOUR FOOLISH CHOICE OF COMPANION FOR THE EVENING. YOU EVEN START TO FEEL GUILTY THAT YOU’VE MADE SUCH A GRAVE MISTAKE, AND TRY YOUR BEST TO BLOCK ANY MEMORY OF IT FROM YOUR CONSCIOUS MIND.
WHEN YOUR WORK FRIENDS ASK YOU ABOUT IT THE NEXT DAY, YOU SMILE UNEASILY, EMITTING NERVOUS LAUGHS, AND ABRUPTLY SAY THAT THE DATE WAS FINE, JUST FINE. THEN YOU ASK IF ANYONE HAS SEEN THE STAPLER BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR IT FOR DAYS AND YOU’RE TIRED OF USING PAPER CLIPS BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS FALL OFF…
YES, EVEN I, GWEN CALDERI, HAVE BEEN ON ONE OF THESE DATES. EVERYONE THINKS THEIRS WAS THE WORST, AND I’M NO EXCEPTION.
EXCEPT THAT I’M PRETTY SURE MY BAD DATE REALLY WAS THE WORST.
LET’S TRAVEL BACK A FEW YEARS, SHALL WE?
PICTURE IT: SUMMER, 1999. RICKY MARTIN’S “LIVIN’ LA VIDA LOCA” STREAMED FROM STEREO SPEAKERS ACROSS THE LAND… J-LO WAS STILL JENNIFER LOPEZ…BRITNEY’S BOOBS WERE A LARGE D-CUP…AND BILL CLINTON WAS STILL THE UN-IMPEACHABLE.
I WAS TWENTY YEARS OLD, AND SINGLE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY ADULT LIFE. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SUMMER THAT YEAR, HOT AND HUMID—JUST HOW I LIKE IT.
AS WAS TYPICAL FOR ME IN THOSE DAYS, I WAS DRUNK AND STANDING IN THE AIR-CONDITIONED CLUCK-U CHICKEN, NEAR MY COLLEGE CAMPUS, AFTER A LONG NIGHT OF BOOZING AND ENDURING A JIMMY BUFFET CONCERT.
THE CUTE GUY WHO TOOK THE ORDER FOR ME AND MY FRIEND WAS MAKING EYES AT ME, BUT I WAS TOO SLOPPY TO ACT UPON HIS ADVANCES. ULTIMATELY, ANOTHER GUY WHO WAS WORKING ASKED ME IF HE COULD GIVE MY NUMBER TO THIS YOUNG FELLOW.
AND IT ALL WENT DOWNHILL FROM THERE.
OUR DATE WAS THE NEXT NIGHT.
THIS FELLOW—LET’S CALL HIM JIM—CAME TO PICK ME UP AT MY PARENTS’ HOUSE AROUND 7 P.M. INSTEAD OF SHOWING UP FRESH-FACED, JIM HAD APPARENTLY BEEN DRINKING FOR SEVERAL HOURS PRIOR TO MEETING UP WITH ME. IN FACT, SITTING IN HIS CUP HOLDER WAS A COLD, OPENED BOTTLE OF BUD.
HE ASKED IF I MINDED IF HE DRANK THE BUD WHILE WE DROVE BACK TO THE BAR—THE BAR HE HAD JUST LEFT.
I SAID I DID MIND.
AFTER DRIVING FOR WHAT SEEMED LIKE HOURS (EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ONLY 15 MINUTES, AND EVEN THOUGH THE WORD “DRIVE” DOESN’T EXACTLY DESCRIBE WHAT HE WAS DOING) WE ARRIVED BACK AT HIS BAR FOR DINNER.
JIM AND I SAT TOGETHER FOR MAYBE THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES, WHEN—LUCKY ME— HE SAW A GIRL HE KNEW STANDING AT THE BAR. HE DEPARTED OUR TABLE AND WALKED OVER TO HER AND ALL HER HAIR. THEY HUGGED AND TALKED, AND TALKED AND HUGGED, AS MY STOMACH MOANED FOR THE CRISPY CHICKEN CAESAR.
AFTER DINNER, JIM INFORMED ME THAT HE WAS LOW ON CASH, AND THAT HE WOULD NEED SOME OF MY MONEY TO PAY FOR THE MEAL. I GAVE HIM THE ONLY THING I HAD ON ME—A FIVE DOLLAR BILL.
THIS IS WHEN IT DAWNED ON ME THAT MAYBE IT WAS A GOOD THING THAT HE HAD FREE PASSES TO “THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.”
AS WE WALKED ACROSS THE STREET TO THE MOVIE THEATER, JIM OFFERED ME A PERCOCET. HE HAD BEEN PILFERING THEM FROM HIS MOM WHO HAD CANCER, HE TOLD ME, AND THEY GAVE HIM A REALLY GOOD BUZZ.
I DECLINED THE PERCOCET.
SO, I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING…MAN, THIS GUY SUCKS! COULD THIS DATE GET ANY WORSE?
OH, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.
THE LIGHTS DIM IN THE COLD THEATER. THE MUSIC ASCENDS. THE MOVIE BEGINS…AND JIM IS FEELING FRISKY.
HE PUTS HIS HAND ON THE BACK OF MY HEAD AND PUSHES MY FACE INTO HIS. WE’RE MAKING OUT—QUITE SLOPPILY—WHILE DOZENS OF PEOPLE SURROUND US IN THE SHADOWY THEATER.
I FELT LIKE I WAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, EXCEPT THAT HE GRABBED MY BOOB, AND I DIDN’T HAVE ANY BOOBS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.
I PROMPTLY GRABBED HIS HANDS AND SQUEEZED THEM WITH ALL MY MIGHT, TELEPATHICALLY LETTING HIM KNOW THAT HE BETTER STEP OFF.
HE SMILED, INTOXICATED, AND WHISPERED IN MY EAR: “YOU’RE DELICIOUS.”
THIS IS WHEN I EXCUSED MYSELF FOR THE RESTROOM, MARCHED DIRECTLY OUT OF THE THEATER, HAILED A CAB AND RODE ALL THE WAY HOME, UTTERLY DISGRACED.
YOU KNOW, I STILL WONDER WHETHER HE GOT UP TO LOOK FOR ME, OR IF HE JUST PASSED OUT IN HIS MOVIE SEAT.
WELL, JIM, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, THANKS FOR THE GREAT DATE AND EVEN BETTER COLUMN IDEA!
ALSO—REHAB IS A GOOD THING.
DENISE
UPSTATE NY
AGE: 23
THE WORST DATE I HAD HAPPENED TO BE A 2ND DATE. THE FIRST DATE I HAD WITH THIS GUY WENT VERY WELL. WE HAD DINNER AND THEN ENDED UP HANGING OUT AND CHATTING ALL NIGHT. A FEW DAYS LATER WE MET UP AT THE MOVIES, AFTER A VERY LONG DAY OF WORK. I WAS TRYING TO KEEP MY BEST FACE ON, BUT THIS GUY WAS BEING EXTREMELY SARCASTIC, AND BORDERLINE RUDE TO ME THE WHOLE TIME. WHEN I WASN'T LAUGHING AT HIS JOKES HE APPARENTLY THOUGHT I WAS BEING NASTY TO HIM. HE SAID AT ONE POINT BEFORE THE MOVIE STARTED "DON'T BE SUCH A BITCH." I WAS APPAULED! PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO REACT NEGATIVELY WHEN BEING PICKED ON, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY HAVE HAD VERY LITTLE SLEEP. I STILL WAS BEING PLEASANT TOWARDS HIM, THOUGH. RIGHT BEFORE THE MOVIE STARTED HE EXCUSED HIMSELF TO THE BATHROOM.... AND NEVER CAME BACK. HE LATER EXPLAINED IN AN EMAIL THAT I WAS BEING A BITCH AND HE DIDNT WANT TO DEAL WITH IT. APPARENTLY THE FALSE HAPPINESS I WAS PUTTING ON WITH DEALING WITH THIS GUY, AND THE WAY HE WAS TALKING TO ME, WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH. I COME TO FIND OUT THAT THIS GUY IS KIND OF NUTS AND REALLY NEEDED TO GET HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS ASS AND SEE THAT YOU NEED TO TREAT PEOPLE WITH RESPECT. HE DID TRY TO APOLOGIZE AND ASKED ME TO COME TO HIS PLACE TO HANG OUT AGAIN. HE WENT CRAZY WHEN I SAID IT WAS TOO LATE AND I DIDNT WANT TO THAT NIGHT (11PM), AS HE SAID, IF I DIDNT VISIT HIM RIGHT THEN AND THERE I WOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO AGAIN, BECAUSE I OWED HIM. I AM GLAD HE'S GONE!
SANDRA SCHOCK
ENDICOTT, NY
AGE: 30
I WAS STARTING OUT DOING THE ONLINE DATING THING AND USED THIS ONE SERVICE THAT INTRODUCED ME TO A VERY HANDSOME ATTORNEY THAT I JUST COULD NOT WAIT TO MEET! WE CHATTED ONLINE FOR ABOUT A MONTH AND THEN ON THE PHONE WE FINALLY MADE A DATE AT A VERY NICE RESTURANT IN THE CITY. I WAS IMPRESSED. HE WAS WONDERFUL. WE MEET UP, GO OUT TO DINNER, AND AS WE ARE SITTING OVER OUR ENTREES HE TELLS ME HOW MUCH HE LIKES ME. I SAY THE SAME TO HIM. HOW GREAT! WELL, THE NEXT LINE OUT OF HIS MOUTH - OUT OF NOWHERE WAS "DO YOU LIKE TO PERFORM ANAL PLAY ON A MAN?". I DROPPED MY FORK ON THE FLOOR AND HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY. MY HANDSOME, EDUCATED, CHARMING DATE ASKED ME TO STICK SOMETHING UP HIS BUTT ON THE FIRST DATE. I QUICKLY AND QUIETLY SAID "I AM NOT SURE". I COULDN'T BELIEVE I SAID THAT BUT I WAS IN SHOCK. NOW MY FRIENDS TOLD ME I SHOULD HAVE RAN BUT THE SHOCK VALUE WAS SO GREAT I STUCK OUT THROUGH DINNER AND THEN WENT HOME. I BLAMED IT ON THAT I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD. YEA NAUSEATED! HE ACTED LIKE NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY WAS SAID AND JUST KEPT ON EATING. THANK GOD WHEN THAT DATE WAS OVER. CAN YOU BELIEVE HE ACTUALLY CALLED THREE MORE TIMES TO GO OUT AGAIN? I NEVER RETURNED HIS CALLS AND YES, I STILL INTERNET DATE.
KATE
KENT, OHIO
AGE: 21
IN HIGH SCHOOL, A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE SET ME UP WITH A GUY WE BOTH KNEW AS A VERY PERIPHERAL MEMBER OF OUR CIRCLE OF FRIENDS. THE PLAN WAS SIMPLE...CATCH A MOVIE.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO PICK ME UP AT 7, AS THE SHOW STARTED AT 7:15. AT 7, HE WAS A NO SHOW. I RELAXED AND TOOK OFF MY COAT, WATCHED SOME TV, GAVE HIM A CALL AROUND 7:30. HE WAS, "JUST LEAVING". TOM LIVED LITERALLY AROUND THE BLOCK, YET HE MANAGED TO BE OVER AN AN HOUR LATE.
AT 8:15, A BEAT UP OLD BERETTA CRAWLS UP MY DRIVEWAY WITH NEON LIGHTS AND TECHNO MUSIC THUMPING. I WAIT FOR MY DATE TO COME TO THE DOOR ETC... INSTEAD, HE LAYS ON THE HORN. A FEW TIMES. WAY TO IMPRESS MY PARENTS. I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE AND CALL HIM IN, BECAUSE BY NOW I HAVE TAKN OFF MY COAT AND SHOES AND HAVE TO BRUSH MY TEETH AGAIN, CONSIDERING I HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG. HE SHUFFLES UP THE WALK IN A SLOUCH, HIS PANTS AROUND HIS KNEES AND CARRYING WITH HIM A STENCH OF CHEAP COLOGNE.
MY MOM, BEING MY MOM, OFFERS HIM A BITE TO EAT. TOM ACCEPTS, AND THEN SHOVELS IT DOWN, AND ASKS FOR SECONDS. MY MOM MAKES A COMMENT TO THE EFFECT OF, "SO, YOU LIKED IT?", TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "WELL, THE CHICKEN WAS SORT OF DRY AND I DONT LIKE THE SPICES IN THE VEGETABLES..."
THOUGH WE HAVE MISSED THE 7:15 MOVIE, THERE IS ANOTHER ONE PLAYING A LITTLE AFTER 9 THAT WE CAN STILL CATCH. WE HOP IN THE CAR. IT RATTLES TO LIFE, THE TECHNO MUSIC BLARES, AND THE NEON LIGHTS TURN ON. MY DATE PEELS OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY, AND I LEARN THE TRUE PURPOSE OF A SEATBELT - TO HOLD A PERSON IN PLACE WHEN THE DRIVER TAKES TURNS AT SPEEDS WHERE ONLY TWO WHEELS ARE ON THE GROUND. FURTHER, THE GUY INSTALLED THE NEONS HIMSELF, RUNNING THE WIRES THROUGH THE FABRIC IN THE TOP OF THE CAR. THIS IS IMPROPERLY DONE, LEAVING A BALLOON OF DROOPY ROOF FABRIC RESTING ON MY HEAD, AND AN UNANCHORED NEON TUBE LIGHT SWINGING FROM ABOVE THE PASSENGER WINDOW. IT HITS ME IN THE HEAD EVERY TIME WE TURN.
WE ARRIVE AT THE THEATER IN TIME FOR THE SHOW AND GET IN LINE FOR TICKETS. AS WE STAND THERE AND MAKE SMALL TALK, TOM IS LETTING LOOSE WITH AUDIBLE BELCHES, ACCOMPANIED BY COMMENTS ABOUT HOW DELICIOUS MY MOM'S DINNER WAS THE SECOND TIME AROUND. AS WE REACH THE TICKET COUNTER, HE OPENS HIS WALLET, THEN, AS I GLANCE OVER, I SEE THAT THE WALLET CONTAINS....ONLY A CONDOM. HE LOOKS AT ME HOPEFULLY. "SINCE YOU TOOK SO LONG GETTING READY, WE DIDNT HAVE TIME TO STOP AT THE BANK. WANNA SPOT ME $20?" I OBLIGE, WANTING TO JUST GET THROUGH THE NIGHT.
WE HAVE TICKETS TO SEE ZOOLANDER. AS WE PASS THE CONCESSIONS, HE NUDGES ME AND ASKS IF WE CAN GET SOME SNACKS. ONCE AGAIN, I OBLIGE. HAVING ALREADY BOUGHT THE TICKETS, HAVING NO PHONE, AND NO TRANSPORTATION, I'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET US IN THE THEATER WHERE WE WILL SIT FOR TWO HOURS AND NOT COMMUNICATE.
AS WE STAND IN LINE, I SMELL SOMETHING...LOOKING AROUND, I NOTICE A SHEEPISH LOOK ON MY DATE'S FACE. FURTHER COMMENTS ON MY MOTHER'S COOKING, AS WELL AS ON THE SMELL OF THE GAS HE HAS PASSED. PEOPLE ARE BACKING AWAY FROM US. HE LAUGHS. AND BURIES A COUPLE KNUCKLES IN HIS NOSE, EXCAVATING AND EXAMINING HIS FINDS. I BUY HIM SOME POPCORN AND A SODA, AND WE PROCEED TO THE MOVIE THEATER.
WE LOCATE SOME SEATS, SIT DOWN, AND WAIT. HE OFFERS ME SOME POPCORN, YET I POLITELY DECLINE, CONSIDERING WHERE HIS FINGERS HAVE BEEN. YET HE FINALLY IS RELATIVELY SETTLED. NOTHING MORE CAN GO WRONG, I THINK.
THE MOVIE BEGINS. I LEARN YET ANOTHER OF MY DATE'S ENDEARING TRAITS IS THAT HE IS A KNEE SLAPPER. AND A HOWLER. "WOOOHOOOOO! THAT WAS FUNNY! HAHAHAHAHHA! *SLAP**SLAP*" HE ELBOWS ME AT EVERY JOKE. AND REPEATS THE JOKE. LOUDLY. PEOPLE ONCE AGAIN BEGIN TO MOVE AWAY.
TWO HOURS LATER, WE ARE LEAVING THE THEATER AND HE IS STILL REPEATING THE JOKES. HOP IN THE CAR, MUSIC ON, LIGHTS ON, PEDAL FLOORED. THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME....
HE ASKS ME TO GRAB SOME CD'S OUT OF THE BACK SEAT. AS I LOOK BACK, I NOTICE SOME LACY UNDERTHINGS. SAY NOTHING. I DONT NEED TO, BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY TELLING ME ABOUT HIS GIRLFRIEND. WHO I DONT KNOW, HAVE NOT HEARD OF, AND CERTAINLY DIDNT KNOW ABOUT. I DONT HEAR TOO MUCH ABOUT WHO THE GIRL IS. ONLY HOW SHE IS...IN BED. WHAT SHE DOES THAT REALLY GET HIM OFF. EXPLICIT DETAIL.
WE PULL UP MY DRIVEWAY. HE PARKS, MUSIC AND LIGHTS GO OFF. PLEASE, GOD, I THINK, DONT LET HIM TRY TO MAKE A MOVE. "CAN I...USE YOUR BATHROOM?" "UH, SURE."
WE GO INSIDE AND I SEND HIM IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. HE GOES IN, SHUTS THE DOOR, OPENS THE DOOR, COMES OUT. "DO YOU HAVE ANY TOILET PAPER?" WHEN I RETURN WITH THE TP, THERE IS A FOLDED NEWSPAPER UNDER HIS ARM. HE PARADES OFF TO THE BATHROOM AGAIN. I SIT ON THE COUCH. AND WAIT. AND WAIT. FOR ABOUT 1/2 HOUR. I HAVE TO PEE LIKE MAD. HE FINALLY EMERGES AND I MAKE MOVES TOWARD THE BATHROOM. HE BLOCKS ME, WAVING THE NEWSPAPER. "YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO GO IN THERE. ITS A LITTLE STINKY." I HOLD IT. AND USHER HIM OUT THE FRONT DOOR. I TELL HIM NOT TO CALL ME, I WILL CALL HIM.
AS THE TECHNO MUSIC AND RATTLING FADE INTO THE NIGHT, I AM LOCKING THE DOORS.
GENGHIS
FLORIDA
AGE: 21
MYSPACE HAS GOTTEN ME PLENTY OF HORRIBLE DATES, BUT THIS ONE TOPS IT. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WOULD BE BAD WHEN I HAD TO DEFINE SIMPLE TERMS FOR HIM, TERMS SUCH AS "DOUBLE ENTENDRE."
I PICKED HIM UP AT HIS APARTMENT. HIS PICS MUST HAVE BEEN TAKEN WITH A LOW-QUALITY CAMERA BECAUSE, ALTHOUGH BEING 24 (I CHECKED HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE), HE LOOKED AT LEAST TEN YEARS OLDER DUE TO SCARS AND WRINKLES. YET HE STILL MAINTAINED THE VAPID FRAT BOY LOOK TOO! WE WENT TO THE BEACH, WHICH WAS HIS IDEA. ON THE DRIVE THERE HE GRILLED ME ABOUT BEING BISEXUAL AND ASKED IF HE COULD WATCH ME MAKE OUT WITH A GIRL. WHEN WE GOT TO THE BEACH, HE TOLD ME HE "FORGOT" HIS JACKET SO WE'D HAVE TO JUST GO BACK TO HIS APARTMENT. WHEN I WALKED INTO HIS APARTMENT, THERE WAS A POSTER OF A PORN STAR DRESSED UP LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL THAT SAID 'STUDY HARD' ABOVE THE SOFA IN HIS LIVING ROOM! I SIMPLY GOT MY PURSE AND WALKED OUT. WHAT MAKES IT REALLY BAD IS THAT HE CALLED ME THREE TIMES AFTERWARDS THINKING I WOULD WANT TO GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN. HE WAS SO STUPID I HAD TO LITERALLY SAY 'I THINK YOU'R REPULSIVE AND NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN' TO GET HIM TO LEAVE ME ALONE.
SEAN
CLOVIS, CA
AGE: 17
FIRST OF ALL, I AM A SHY GUY. I HAD TIS CLASS WITH THIS GIRL FROM LAST YEAR WHO I LIKED. WINTER FORMAL WAS HELD ON MY MOMS BIRTHDAY. IT WAS MY WINTER FORMAL AND I WENT WITH THIS ONE GIRL WHO I LIKED SINCE LAST YEAR. WELL I DIDN'T PLAN ON GOING BUT SHE NEEDED A DATE, SO SHE SAW ME AND SAID THAT SHE NEEDED A DATE SO I SAID YEAH. WE WENT WITH HER BROTHER, HIS FRIEND AND A COUPLE OF HER FRIENDS. ONE WEEK LATER IT WAS THE NIGHT, I MET HER PARENTS AND THEY SEEMED TO LIKE ME. SHE WAS AT A FRIENDS HOUSE GETTING READY, WHEN WE WENT OVER TO PICK THEM UP, SHE LOOKED AMAZING. WELL WE WENT TO DINNER AND WE TALKED OCCASIONALLY. WE WERE WITH HER BROTHER AND FRIENDS AND THEIR DATES AND I ONLY KNEW BUT ONE OF THEM. SHE SAID FEW WORDS TO ME AND WE LEFT TO THE MALL TO KILL SOME MINUTES TO BE "FASHIONABLY LATE." SO WE CAME IN AND STARTED TO DANCE WHEN A GUY FROM OUR CLASS WE HAD TOGETHER LAST YEAR CAME OVER AND SAID HI TO HER AND HE COMPLETELY IGNORED ME. SO I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND A SONG CAME ON AND SHE PROCEEDED TO DANCE WITH HIM. DURING THEIR DANCING, SHE ASKED ME TO COME JOIN THEM. REMEMBER I AM HER DATE AND I LIKE THE GIRL. SO I DECIDED TO DANCE WITH THEM AND LATER I LEFT FOR SOME REASON. LATER ON I STOOD RIGHT NEXT TO THEM AND A SLOW SONG CAME ON. INSTEAD OF DANCING WITH ME, SHE DANCES WITH THE OTHER GUY. OOH I WAS FEELING ANGRY WITH A CRAP LOAD OF SHOCK. THE SONG WAS "TAKE MY BREATH AWAY" INDEED SHE TOOK MY BREATH AWAY AS THE FEELING OF NOT BEING WANTED AND LONELINESS CAME ABOUT. LATER DURING THE SONG A GUY WHO JOINED THE GROUP LATER ON CAME UP TO US. SHE HAD THE NERVE TO TELL ME TO SEE IF I WANTED TO DANCE WITH THIS GUY I DID NOT KNOW AT ALL. I LOOKED AT HIM AND I TOLD HIM TO DANCE BY HIMSELF AND THIS GUY AND I WERE DANCING BY OURSELVES ON THE DANCE FLOOR. THE SONG WAS OVER AND THE GUY SHE WAS DANCING WITH LEFT. THANK GOD I THOUGHT TO MYSELF. SHE STARTED DANCING WITH ME AND LATER GROUPED UP WITH HER FRIENDS AND DANCED WITH THEM. WHILE ME AND THEIR DATES WERE BY OURSELVES. LATER ON DURING THE DANCE, THEIR WERE THESE TWO GUYS WHO WORE ONLY THE VEST AND NO SHIRT OVER OR UNDER. THESE TWO GUYS APPEARED TO BE GAY. SHE LEAVES AND DECIDES TO DANCE WITH ONE OF THEM. THIS GUY WAS DANCING WITH HER AND STARTED TO "FEEL" HER, BUT NOT IN THAT WAY. I FELT PAIN AND DEFINITE UNWANTEDNESS. THE DJ ANNOUNCED A SLOW SONG WAS COMING UP. SHE LEFT HIM AND HE WENT TO SIT DOWN. SHE STARTED TO WALK SLOWLY TOWARDS ME WITH A SORTA SAD LOOK ON HER FACE. I WAS FEELING HAPPY SHE FELT THAT WAY AND I FELT LIKE A BIG SHOT THAT SHE CAME TO ME. WE DANCED OUR LAST SLOW SONG AND LATER ON WE LEFT. WE LEFT TO DENNYS TO EAT. I PAID FOR FOUR MEALS THAT WERE LUCKILY ALL FRIES. DURING THEN SHE DIDNT TALK TO ME. SOON AFTER OUR MEAL WE LEFT AND WE WENT TO DROP OFF THE REST OF US. I WAS SECOND TO LAST AND ALL I SAID WAS GOOD BYE FEELING RELIEF THAT THE NIGHT WAS OVER. AS SOON AS I WALKED INSIDE MY DAD WAS WAITING FOR ME AND HE WENT TO BED. I WAS IN MY ROOM WITH THE FEELING OF DEPRESSION SLOWLY TRICKLING OVER ME. I WROTE A SAD POEM THAT I THOUGHT WOULD RELIEVE SOME PAIN, BUT INSTEAD IT BROUGHT MORE PAIN. I STARTED TO CRY AND I CRIED AND I CRIED SOME MORE. NOT ONLY DID MY DATE MAKE ME FEEL BAD, SHE MADE A 16 YEAR OLD BOY CRY LIKE HE NEVER CRIED. SHE MIGHT AS WELL KICK ME IN THE NUTS AND LAUGH. ACTUALLY I WAS MORE HURT THAN THAT. THE NEXT DAY I WOKE UP AND I FELT A SMIDGE BIT BETTER, BUT MY INSIDES STILL HURT. THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL SHE SEEMED TO HAVE IGNORED ME AS I DECIDE TO HANG WITH HER AND HER FRIENDS DURING THE SHORT BREAK. SHE DIDNT ONLY IGNORED ME, SHE DIDNT EVEN BOTHER TO SAY LATER OR ANY KIND OF A FAREWELL. THE REST OF THE YEAR I KEPT TELLING MYSELF THAT I STILL LIKED HER AND IT TOOK TWO MONTHS FOR ME TO REALIZE I NEEDED TO MOVE ON.
JESSIBEE
EL PASO, TX
AGE: 35
I WAS AN OFFICE MANAGER AT A PRIVATE SCHOOL AND WAS REALLY ATTRACTED TO ONE OF THE EVENING TUTORS. HE WAS MY AGE, SO IT WASN'T ANYTHING SCANDALOUS. AFTER I LEFT THE SCHOOL TO WORK FOR THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS, HE CALLED ME AND ASKED ME OUT FOR DRINKS. AS I FELT HE WAS TOTALLY HOT, I IMMEDIATELY AGREED TO MEET HIM. ON THE NIGHT OF THE DATE, HE CALLED ME AND ASKED IF I COULD PICK HIM UP AT HIS APARTMENT BECAUSE HIS CAR BROKE DOWN. AS I WAITED IN HIS APARTMENT TO RETRIEVE HIS JACKET, HE ASKED ME, "DO YOU DO COKE? CUZ WE COULD DO A FEW LINES BEFORE GOING TO THE BAR." UM...NO...THANK YOU, ANYWAY. WE REACH THE BAR AND GET SETTLED AT A TABLE AND HE TELLS ME, "YOU HAVE TO GET THE BEER BECAUSE IT'S ON SPECIAL. IF YOU WANT ANYTHING ELSE, YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY FOR IT YOURSELF." NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE DATE DID NOT LAST THAT LONG AND WHEN I DROPPED HIM OFF AT HIS APARTMENT IT WAS THE LAST TIME I EVER SAW HIM. THANKS TO CALLER ID, I WAS ABLE TO AVOID HIS PHONE CALLS, TOO!
JAMES D. PATTON
SOMETIMES I FORGET THE BENEFITS OF BEING MARRIED. IT'S EASY TO DO WHEN MY WIFE IS NAGGING ME TO GET THE MOWER STARTED SO SHE CAN CUT THE LAWN AND ALL I WANT IS TO WATCH THE BILLS AND GIANTS. (ONE DAY I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PURCHASE HER AN ELECTRIC-START MOWER.) I LOOK AT MY UNMARRIED FRIENDS AND THINK THAT'S THE LIFE, NO RESPONSIBILITY. HOWEVER, A SINGLE FRIEND OF MINE RECENTLY REMINDED ME OF THE HORROR THAT CAN BE DATING.
MIKE--NOT HIS REAL NAME; OK, IT IS BUT HE’LL NEVER READ THIS-- HAD BEEN LOUNGING AT ONE OF THE LOCAL PUBS FOR THE YOUNG AND RESTLESS, ATTEMPTING TO STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION WITH A BLONDE WHOSE PROFILE HE ADMIRED. HE SAID SHE HAD NICE FACIAL STRUCTURE TOO. HE HOPED THEY MIGHT MEET LATER TO ENGAGE IN A DEEP DISCUSSION OF FOREIGN POLICY.
AT THE SAME TIME A SECOND YOUNG LADY, NO DOUBT ATTRACTED BY MIKE'S I.Q., PATTED HIM ON THE FANNY, SLIPPED HIM HER PHONE NUMBER, AND SAID, "GIVE ME A CALL WHEN YOU STRIKE OUT WITH PARIS HILTON THERE." THIS SECOND WOMAN WAS ALSO ATTRACTIVE BUT VIOLATED MIKE'S HIGH MORAL STANDARDS AND SENSITIVE SINUSES BY SMOKING. HE PLACED THE NUMBER ABSENTLY IN HIS SHIRT POCKET.
AN HOUR AND SEVERAL HEFEWEIZENS LATER THE BLONDE ALSO GAVE MIKE HER NUMBER. HE ADDED IT TO HIS COLLECTION.
THE NEXT DAY ROMEO FOUND BOTH SLIPS OF PAPER WITH NAMES AND NUMBERS. THERE'S NO USE IN ATTEMPTING SUSPENSE SINCE READERS WITH AN IQ HIGHER THAN THE PRESIDENT’S WILL HAVE ALREADY GUESSED WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. HE GOT THE NAMES WRONG AND MADE A DATE WITH NUMBER TWO. WE'LL CALL HER STORMEE, WHICH IS WHAT SHE CALLED HERSELF.
MIKE FOUND HER APARTMENT LOCATED IN A NEIGHBORHOOD USUALLY ASSOCIATED WITH GANG SHOOTINGS AND POLICE RAIDS. WHEN STORMEE OPENED THE DOOR MIKE DIDN'T IMMEDIATELY TAKE NOTE OF HIS ERROR SINCE CLOUDS OF CIGARETTE SMOKE WREATHED HER FEATURES. BY THE TIME HE DID REALIZE WHAT HE'D DONE, STORMEE HAD WHISKED HIM INSIDE AND SECURED HER SIX DEAD-BOLTS.
"HI, STUD, HAVE A CHAIR."
MIKE SURVEYED THE CLUTTER OF BEER CANS, CIGARETTE PACKS, AND WELL-CHEWED DOG BONES. HIS SINUSES REBELLED.
"I, AH. . ."
"SIT ANYWHERE MIKEY. I'LL JUST BE A MINUTE."
SHE BRUSHED AN EMPTY PIZZA BOX FROM A CHAIR, STUBBED OUT HER VIRGINIA SLIM, AND WENT INTO WHAT MIKE ASSUMED WAS THE BATHROOM. HE HADN'T SEEN SUCH HOUSEKEEPING SINCE HIS COUSIN, FLEM, WAD BEEN COMMITTED. HIS EYES BEGAN TO SWELL SHUT. MIKE SURVEYED THE LOCKS ON THE DOOR BUT DECIDED THAT LEAVING WITHOUT A GOOD-BYE WOULDN'T BE GENTLEMANLY. BESIDES, STORMEE'S PIT-BULL DROPPED THE SIDE OF RIBS IT WAS REDUCING TO BONE MEAL AND GROWLED OMINOUSLY EVERY TIME MIKE MADE A MOVE TOWARD THE DOOR.
SHE EMERGED WITH FRESH LIPSTICK. "SO WHERE YOU TAKING ME HUNK?"
MIKE HAD RESERVATIONS AT ONE OF THE BETTER RESTAURANTS. "I THOUGHT WE'D JUST GO FOR A DRINK. YOU NAME THE PLACE."
SHE DID. IT WAS A BAR MIKE HAD NEVER BEEN TO BUT HAD HEARD EXCLUDED MALES UNDER SIX-TWO AND ANY WOMAN THAT DIDN'T HAVE A TATTOO. HE POINTED THIS OUT TO HER.
"DON'T WORRY, LOVER. YOU CAN STAND ON YOUR TIP-TOES AND I ALREADY QUALIFY. WANNA SEE?"
"THAT'S OKAY. I BELIEVE YOU."
WHEN THEY GOT INTO MIKE'S NEVER-SMOKED-IN SUPER BEETLE, STORMEE ANNOUNCED SHE NEEDED TO STOP BY HER EX'S TO PICK UP MORE CIGARETTES. MIKE CAME TO TWO REALIZATIONS, BEING A GENTLEMAN ONLY WENT SO FAR AND THE DOG WAS LOCKED INSIDE.
"STORMEE, I DON'T THINK THIS IS WORKING OUT REALLY WELL." HE SNEEZED. "WHY DON'T I JUST GO HOME AND MAYBE CALL LATER."
SHE LOOKED HURT. "BUT SWEET-BUNS HOW CAN YOU TALK ABOUT ENDING OUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN IT WAS GOING SO WELL?"
OUR RELATIONSHIP? VISIONS OF FATAL ATTRACTION RACED THROUGH MIKE'S MIND. "WE DON'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP. WE JUST MET."
"YOU SOB, OR WORDS TO THAT EFFECT, YOU JUST USED ME. YOU'RE ALL ALIKE." STORMEE LUNGED FOR MIKE'S EYES, BUT HE MANAGED TO STRUGGLE FREE AND OUT THE DOOR. HE SPRINTED HOME.
MIKE WAITED TWO DAYS, ALLOWING STORMEE TIME TO COOL OFF, BEFORE GOING BACK FOR HIS CAR. BOTH IT AND STORMEE WERE GONE. THE NEIGHBORS SAID SHE GOT BACK WITH HER EX AND WERE DRIVING TO MEXICO.
I THINK I'LL DO SOMETHING NICE FOR BEV AND BUY HER A CAN OF STARTER FLUID.
Bethany Mavronicles
Chicago, IL
Age: 28
I got set up on a blind date by my roommate. It was a co-worker of hers that had seen a picture of me in her cubicle and wanted to meet me. She showed me a picture of this guy beforehand and I remember thinking, "Wow, what an eager smile!"
We meet at a resteraunt. He is wearing a plaid flannel, tucked in, as if that makes it better, and jeans that are WAY too short and tight... giving him what is referred to as a "yo-yo smuggler." He pumped my hand as if it would detach during our initial greeting. We get to the table and he annouces "Wow, your shirt is so low cut, I don't think I could get up from the table!" Loudly. Very loudly. I am easily embarrassed and did not take kindly to the stares of surrounding patrons that got more and more blantant as he went on to exclaim everything loudly and with sweeping arm gestures.
Fifteen minutes into the foray, he lets it slip he has ADD and forgot to take his medication that day. I think I have partially blacked out our dinner conversation in my mind to spare myself the painful memories.
He kept getting louder and more crude. Dinner was over and he suggested we slip off to a local brewery. I pretented to be favorable to the suggestion so I didn't provoke his obviously latent rage. I decided to ditch him at a yellow light and thought I had lost him... until I see his brights flashing in my rearview. He ran a red light in order to chase me! Psycho!
I pulled into a strip mall parking lot, and he yells to me "I think you are really blond, you ditz!" (I have dark hair) Clever.
So he goads me into going into some sports bar. He is even worse with a rum and coke in him. I feel my fists balling up. Finally he crosses the line with an extremely loud comment I can not relay due to its pornographic content, and without thinking, I throw my long island in his face. Shaking, I stand up and exit to a round of applause from the sympathetic table to our left. I leave, blood slowly draining from my face on my ride home.
The next day, I have a message from him on my voicemail saying he had fun last night, he took his pill today, and would love to get together again.
Sue
Seattle, WA
Age: 35
I met this guy through my job and after months of "chit-chat" I finally agreed to go out with him. He keeps the "agenda" a secret from me and swears I'm "just going to love it". (what the hell ... I'm up for some fun)
He drives us to the local theatre and we have to park in a parking garage. He's "sitting on his wallet" so he asks if I have some cash. I point out to him that we don't have to pay until we leave and he heaves a big sigh. (this is going to be great)
We're there to see a special screening of City of Angels (Meg Ryan and Nick Cage). A radio station is promoting it so they hand us a little gift bag with posters and a CD ... Boy-wonder says I should really give him MY gift bag becasue HE is the one who won the tickets. I say no and he pouts. We walk into the lobby and he asks if I wants something to snack on. I say yes and ask for popcorn and a drink. He tells the counter person and then steps back to let me pay for myself. Says it's the least I can do for not giving him the gift bag. (now I'm not even gonna let him touch the damn thing!)
We get our snacks and are seated after he makes us move 2-3 times because of someone's hat or perfume. He finally gets us settled and I'm already thinking that I'm going to have to quit my job if this date gets any worse!
The DeeJay from the station gets up in front of the screen to EmCee the thing and tells us to look in ourbags for a ticket with a number on it. There is a large rustling of paper and a few spilled drinks as people frantically search their bags. I play along and pull out my ticket. The first number is called and a woman weighing about 600lbs jumps up from the front and lumbers down the ilse where she trips over her own feet and falls face first. With only a slight case of rug burn she is given a prize of a 6 month membership to Gold's Gym! (maybe this date isn't so bad after all)
After a few more numbers are called, the DeeJay calls my number. I'm excited to see the kitch I've won and halfway down the ilse, my date stand up and yells, "She stole my ticket!" - The DeeJay laughs and makes a joke of it but "numbnuts" is still standing.
My prize is a weekend for two to Vancouver BC. My date starts jumping up and down whooping like an idiot!
I go back to my seat and 2 numbers later, his number is called. He runs up to the stage, collects his prize of dinner for two at a local pub. As his sits down next to me he looks into my eyes and starts a campaign to have me give him my prize. He even gets teary as he tells me how he's always dreamed of taking his "mother" to Vancouver and wouldn't it be great if he could use my tickets. (I'm thinking FAT CHANCE Gomer! This trip is going to be the only good thing I get out of this date!)
The movie started and he was pretty quiet throughout the whole thing. It was very romantic and emotional so I let him hold my hand and snuggle closer. The end was nearing and just when it seemed that the guy was going to get the girl he loved ... a truck hit Meg Ryan and she was killed.
(Now, before I tell you the end of this, I must say that it was a tragic ending and not one that I was particularly fond of but ...)
My date stood up in the middle of the theater and started yelling. "You bastards can't leave me like this! I can't believe you f****ng killed Meg Ryan! You suck!..." etc...
I excused myself from the theater and ran to the exit. Security was already tackling my "would-be" date and as I went out the doors, there stood the DeeJay and his staff to take comments about the movie, get sound-bites for the news, etc...
I told them I wasn't sure if I liked the movie or not and just wanted to escape from my psycho date. The DeeJay was worried about me leaving by myself and offered me a ride. He was very cute, if a little too young for me, but, hey, I listened to him every morning so I kind of knew him, right?
We sat out in his LandRover until the theater emptied. He asked if I had eaten, I said, "no". He asked if I would join him for a late dinner ... Hey, this night is looking better all the time!
**Epilog** Had a wonderful time with Mr DeeJay and ended up taking him on the trip to Vancouver. I quit my job that following week and married Mr DeeJay 6mos later.
GOOD DATE or NIGHTMARE - you decide :o)
Angelic
NYC
Age: 27
I'm sure I've had worse dates, but recently I went on a date that was supposed to be a picnic and he didn't bring the sandwiches. It was like a job interview, too. He told me all about his requirements, grilled me about my life and didn't feed me. I was starving when it was over. I don't think I got the position either, but at least he was cute.
Michael Uhil
Palo Alto, CA
Age: 31
I hooked up with this nice girl a couple of years ago. She wanted to go out to a nice restauraunt. When I went to pick her up she was there with her boyfriend. I thought i was going on a date i ended up being a taxidriver.
Angelic
NYC
Age: 27
I'm sure I've had worse dates, but recently I went on a date that was supposed to be a picnic and he didn't bring the sandwiches. It was like a job interview, too. He told me all about his requirements, grilled me about my life and didn't feed me. I was starving when it was over. I don't think I got the position either, but at least he was cute.
Jessica Guptill
Charlotte, NC
Age: 23
At the bar I used to go to, I would often see this former basketball player, this 7'2" giant, gangly with what seemed like a giant grin. One night, after I'd had a few drinks, he started chatting me up. When he asked for my number, I gave it to him (I blame this on the influence of alcohol and the fact that I am the type of person who has trouble saying no to people).
Sure, enough the following Saturday evening, he called to see if I would like to join him for dinner. As I had no plans and, in my heart, desperately wanted to believe that perhaps he would sweep my off my feet, I agreed.
A few hours later, on the way to restaurant, I ask him the basic date questions: Do you like movies? "I just watch whatever is on TV," he says. So you listen to music? "Whatever is on the radio." Do you read? "Just my Coin Collector's Monthly." I should have known right there to jump from the vehicle and run screaming into the night.
At the restuarant, I kept trying to draw him into conversation, to no avail. Apparently, the special on polar bear and walruses on TV behind me was much more fascinating than I. After dinner was done, and he was one ignoring me for some nature special, we walked back to his car, where he asked if I would like to go to his house to watch a movie. Not wanting to go, but not good at outright turning people down, I invited him back to my place, knowing I had a male roommate who owned a shotgun if things got unruly.
Back at my place, he sits down on the couch, where each one of my cats would come up to sniff and inspect the new visitor...and then get chased away by the horrific high pitched whistling sounds he made at them, sending them all running scared to the backs of closets and under beds. My roommate and I invited him then to the kitchen for a game of poker. He spent the entire game obsessively brushing the cat hair off his shorts while giving us the details of the varicose vein operation he had a few years back (all I have to say to this is Ugh).
Finally, he decided it was time to leave, so I walked him out to his car.
Near his vehicle was a huge wolfspider which I shrieked at the sight of and backed away. He then picked me up and held me over the spider, laughing gaily at my squirming terror in his arms.
When he finally set me down, he leaned in for a kiss and, at this point, all I could think was,"If this will get him to go, I'll do it." And I regretted it letting him kiss me immediately. His giant mouth literally encompassed most of the lower half of my face. Then, instead, of that gentle nibble one will sometimes give another while kissing, he bit my bottom lip so hard the inside of it was bruised when I went inside a few minutes later.
Needless to say, I kept his number in my phone so I could make sure to never pick up when he called. And call he did. Every day for three weeks. Mostly it was just a polite simple (and delusional message), "Hey I had a great time and I thought you did too, so call me and let me know when we can go out again." The last few calls me made to me were desperate and pleading, wanting to know what he had done wrong and would I please please call him and tell him. I didn't return his calls, though I have run into him a time or two since and have always politely responded to his questions about why I never called him back. "I'm sorry", I always say, "I just didn't feel we clicked."
Katia
St. Petersburg, FL
Age: 29
It's this guy I was talking to on yahoo personal. He is Irish and when we started talking he was living in Alaska. He was coming down to St Pete where I live. Well, since I had gone on bad dates already I decided to invite this one to have drinks with me and one of my girlfriends.
So, we went to this bar that was close to the area he was at that time with his uncle. Well, it was fine. He didn't look as good as the pictures but fine. We had drinks, talk, and then when I decided to leave he took me to my car. Well, he gave me a hug before I got in my car and let's say I could smell that he needed more deodorant.
I got in the car with this face....but I was like...ok maybe not.
I mentioned to him about First Friday (downtown St Pete we all get together for drinks and party on the streets). He said one of his co-workers invited him too. Fine I said we could all just be a big group.
Well, the First Friday came and instead of him coming with a friend he came ALONE!!! He sat at the table with me and all my friends. I am talking about SUMMER in FL. Very hummid day and poor Irish guy living in Alaska. I don't think he realized that in FL we need to take lots of showers. Well, let me tell you that I go to First Friday EVERY MONTH. We always eat at the same table outside this restaurant because we know the owners.
We had FLIES all over. We never had flies. Plus he stunk so bad. I told my friend that I had to move. I could not sit next to him because he smelled bad, bad, bad. She could not stop laughing.
I had to tell him something. I said, hey listen I am going to delete my profile from Yahoo. Then he said he was going to do the same. I said, no I am doing it because I don't think I am ready to date anybody. I am having fun with my friends. His face changed and he was like, so you are saying you don't want to date me. I said: YES!! We can be friends and hang out but I don't want to date you or anybody else. Well, he pretty much finished his food, left money for his food and told me he had to go to his uncle's pub. I said why? He said it was his b-day and he had to go. I said:, you never told me it was your b-day. Happy b-day and hope you have fun.
He got up and his shirt was soaked wet in the back. He left and ALL THE FLIES LEFT TOO.
I felt bad for the situation but I invited him there as a friend and he told me he was going there with a co-worker anyways. He showed up by himself and expected us to date. He stunk so bad.
The funny thing is because until now my friends make fun of me. They tell me that if I am bringing a date it better be just the date and no flies.
Violet
Back when I lived in Chicago, every night after work I would go down to a nearby cafe and relax with a good book and a steaming, creamy latte. There was another regular there, a good looking guy who seemed to enjoy reading as much as I did. The catch - half the time he was there with his girlfriend. When she wasn't around, though, he spent a good amount of time sending simmering glances my way.
So one day he finally came over to my table to chat. His name was Jack. He told me that he'd broken up with the girlfriend the week before and wanted to know if I'd come to a party with him on Friday. I said yes and was incredibly excited all week long.
The party was near our neighborhood, so he picked me up at my place and we walked over to a street corner where we were to meet up with some of his friends.
Who were the friends? His best buddy and Jack's girlfriend. He explained to me that even though they'd broken up, they were still friends and were going to the party as friends.
He spent the entire evening dancing with her, talking with her and running to fetch her drinks, while I sat in a corner talking with his friends. I found out that it was the girlfriend who had broken up with Jack, and realized my sole purpose for being there that night was to make her jealous. Needless to say, there was no second date!
Aarame
Seattle, WA
Age: 26
I had met Tyler through a mutual friend named Dave. We started dating casually and had been on only a few dates when Dave arranged a camping trip for a few of his friends. Tyler and I came, as well as another one of Dave's friends named Tim. Tyler and Tim had grown up in the same town together, and while they weren't best friends, they new each other well. Well, I soon realized that I had more in common with Tim than I did with Tyler, so I stopped seeing Tyler because I knew it wasn't going to work out with us. A few weeks went by and I started spending more time with Tim, thanks to some generous invites from Dave. Even though I liked Tim, I didn't think he was interested in me because I had dated one of his friends. So was I ever surprised when he asked me one day if I wanted to go to a boxing match (one of the many things we had in common).
I was so excited about my "date" with Tim that I even phoned my mom and told her about it. I was giddy for the entire week until the evening of our date arrived. He said that he would pick me up at 6:30, and I was ready to go when I heard the car pull up in the driveway.
But when I looked out the window, it wasn't Tim, it was Tyler! I went outside and asked him what he was doing here. I hadn't seen him in almost a month.
He told me that Tim had told him about the boxing match and invited him to come along! A moment later Tim pulled up in the driveway, and then we car pooled to the arena. I was so embarrased I just wanted to run and hide. But I had to sit there for two hours between both of them, and pretend that there was nothing wrong! Tim really wasn't interested in me, and the worst thing was that Tyler kept hitting on me throughout the night, right in front of Tim, ruining all hopes of us getting to know each other better. When I got home, I couldn't even look my roommate in the face. I just went straight to my room and moped all night. It was the worst date ever!
rafael fuentes
New York
Age: 32
I talked with a woman named linda whom I met on a chatline at lavalife, we talked about meeting & everything seemed fine. We were going to meet up in Brooklyn to shoot some pool & get some drinks, as soon as she pulled in her car & saw me she changed her mind & said she wasn't feeling this, I asked her is it because I wasn't what you expected she said yes, basically ending the date before it got started, I was good for her over the phone but not in person, resulting in a 5 minute date
Suzi Q
I went to go on a blind date, which I'm totally against in the first place, but I went to humor my girlfriend whom seems to think that i have issues getting my own dates... I had seen pictures of him and stuff... and had talked to him on the phone right before we met and he seemed alright. But when I stepped out of my cab the guy holding the black umbrella with a tweed jacket WAS not the guy in the pictures, and he kenw exactly who I was... My only thoughts: Oh My God. But I couldn't turn back now because I told him what I'd be wearing, I had shown him the real pictures of me.. and just god... He wouldn't hold the door open for me, he said, and i quote, "It's not 1920 any more" and my comeback "Well chivalry is still an exceptable trait!" He put his... I'm not even lying.. he put his GUM into my drink! His chewed up nastylicious GUM into my drink, and he wouldn't buy me another one, and at the that point I had had enough, I got up, grabbed my jacket and went straight ou the door without a word to him and as i climbed into the cab i looked back and he was STILL sitting there with a "WTF" look on his face. First impressions DO last, and needless to say he hasn't had any dates since, me and my girlfriend saw to that...
Nikki Smith
Chicago, IL
Age: 33
A friend thought I’d be compatible with her “play” brother so I agreed to meet him. Prior to my date from hell, I had questioned whether or not the guy had any conversation since our communication via phone was less than entertaining. After about two months of chatting, I’d started phasing him out until one day, I felt bad for shafting such a “nice guy” and agreed to meet him and hang out. He could be a potentially great friend, right?
The first red flag was all his whining when I was giving him directions to my house. I really began to wonder what kind of evening it would be when he couldn’t find my building —which happens to be the only high rise on the street that he was on! Then he was concerned about his car not fitting in with the other cars on the block. Once he finally got into my building, he was rushing me to come down so that people wouldn’t look at him as suspect. All this, from someone who was currently in the Police Academy!
As soon as I saw him in my lobby, I knew he’d be directly in the buddy pile, as there was no attraction. I offered to drive since he’d been such a baby about driving into the city, and gave a nervous chuckle when he commented, “I’ve never ridden in a Mercedes before.” In one of our prior conversations, we’d spoken of his need to try new things, so he agreed when I suggested we do a Thai restaurant.
He didn’t bother to take off his baseball cap upon entering the restaurant, but hey, I’m easy so I let that slide. I was nervous enough trying to figure out what the heck we could possibly have to sustain an interesting conversation. Soon after being seated, he looked at me and said, “I know one thing we have in common.”
“What is that?” I asked. To my horror, he told me that we both have problems with acne! Are you kidding me? He then went on to tell me how he thought he was the only one and that it really made him self-conscious. I guess he could tell by the look on my face how appalled I was.
“Oh, are you offended? Don’t take it personal. You’ll learn that I tend to speak my mind.”
“Well, you shouldn’t!” I barked. “You don’t say something like that to a woman — especially on a first encounter! That’s like me saying, hmmm...you have a belly. You might wanna do something about that!” He obviously didn’t get it, and I was livid. All I could think about was how to get it over quickly.
By the time we’d ordered, conversation was minimal. He had little to offer aside from “mmmmm … this is so good,” and no matter how I tried to jumpstart a topic, he’d always swing it back around to his ramblings of the police academy. I knew from talking to him on the phone a few times that he tended to only talk of himself, but I guess I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. Clearly, we were on two different pages.
I really was questioning if dude’s elevator went all the way to the top. He read over his menu and asked if the writings were in Chinese. “Uh, no, we’re in a Thai restaurant, “ I replied, trying not to sound smug. l finally gave up when he told me he’d never been to a real zoo to see all of the real animals. I was so embarrassed for anyone to hear our conversation!
We finally finished eating, and I was in nothing-else-thank-you-let’s-go mode! This dude had all the personality and intellect of a rock, so I’d purposely mentioned how much laundry and grocery shopping I had to do that night. I was humiliated and angry with myself for partaking in such a waste of my freakin’ time!
I mustered up a cordial farewell as I dumped him off at his car and sped away. Despite my irritation, I did eventually call him to make sure he knew his way back to the freeway. I was annoyed not only by the guy’s complete idiocy, but also by my friend for thinking we’d be compatible. I was yet another testimony of how the threat of loneliness will cause you to tolerate less than stellar companionship. Was I that hard-up?
So I’m thinking, surely he realizes that we’re not compatible and I won’t hear from him again. WRONG!! After blowing off two or three of his calls, I finally decided life is too short to dodge someone that you just plain don’t want to be bothered with. Instead of leaving him hanging, he would get the truth; the nice version first. Unfortunately, he didn’t respond well to my saying we didn’t have much in common and we shouldn’t waste one another’s time. It went something like this:
“Well, if you don’t want me to call you, all you have to do is tell me,” he said.
“Okay, but I’m just telling you why.”
“We’ve been talking all the time and having good conversations.”
“No, we really haven’t. Conversation is an exchange; not just you talking about yourself the whole time.”
“Well, I guess I’ll just erase your number then.”
“Okay, but I just wanted to tell you my reason for not continuing contact.”
“So your saying the reason why you don’t want to be friends is because we don’t have enough in common? Martin and Cole on “Martin” don’t have a lot in common, but they’re best friends.”
Need I say more?
Jessica
Portland, OR
Age: 30
It's sort of weird, but I had never been on a date before... I was married really young, than fell, shall we say, into another relationship rather quickly. In the interim, I completely skipped the hell commonly known as 'the dating scene' all together.
I was hanging with a bunch of friends at a bar down the street from my house, and this guy sat down at our table. Honestly, it had been a Really rough week, I had separated from my fiance, blah blah blah. Anyway, end result- I was pretty damn drunk.
I guess I gave this guy my phone number and email in French, and shucks, he understood French.
I got this text message a couple of days later- "will you marry me?" I couldn't figure out who it was, but than he called, explained he was the guy from the bar and did I want to go out with him. I googled him and all and found out that he had a great job, was well educated, lived abroad, etc etc.
We ended up going to the same bar that we met at, and he was Incredibly boring. He actually showed me pictures of how he used to be Fatter (??). The biggest problem was that all my friends were at the bar too, which highlighted how Incredibly boring this guy actually was.
Bad me, I ended up leaving with my friends, but not before paying for myself (I felt a little guilty and all, but definitely over my one night stint with the dating scene!)
I found out the next day that he got completely wasted (and kicked out of the bar), and told everyone in the bar (who all know me) that he loved me at first sight, and that he could do whatever he wanted, he was in New York during the World Trade center bombing.
My friend called me to tell me this the next day (crazy alert...) and then he started writing me endless email poems about being a drunk, and New York.
As if I couldn't do that myself...
Never again.
crystal
CHICAGO, IL
Age: 26
I was not dreading my second date with Alonzo (who I now refer to as AlonzHo) as our first date had actually been fun and I had decided to give him a chance. I picked him up and we proceeded to the movie theater. I asked him to put on his seat belt and he didn’t want to. I told him it was best if he did, since I am not the best driver. He yelled “what, I have kids!” “Kids, you said you didn’t have any kids”, I replied (strike one). As we were on our way up the escalator he said he conveniently forgot his cash and asked if I had any, I hesitated. I just assume go home then spend MY money on him, but he said he would pay me back as soon as we see an ATM. Ok, not a problem, but because HE was late, we were late getting there and of coarse the show I wanted to see was sold out (strike two). I settled for some other. After the movie, he wanted to go to a bar to meet his cousins from out of town. Normally, I would not go but because I knew the owners of this bar, the deejay and other people there, I went. Earlier, he said he also knew the deejay- LIAR! We stood there for about ten minutes before realizing this fool was not going to buy me a drink. I asked the DJ if he knew my date and he said no but he knew he was cheap because I was empty-handed. I tried desperately to pawn him off on his cousins and convince him that he should spend the rest of the night with them since they would be leaving soon. He declined, “I’m on a date, I can see them later.” Damn, Damn, Damn!
AlonzHo went to the bar, finally a drink! Beer? I don’t drink beer. Oh, it’s for him, what about me? (Strike three) Luckily for me, I was smart and drove my own car so I have control of where I am. I told him let’s go. He asked where we going, I said to drop you’re a*s off! On the ride back, we talked about various things like the investment banking job he originally said he had. Suddenly he was on vacation, permanent vacation. He went on to say that his male supervisor had been sexually harassing him and he was suing because he had been fired for not putting out. Sounds a little Jerry Springer like to me and how exactly does his pay for his jag? We arrived in front of his house and I did not park and simply said ok, bye. He closed his eyes, puckered up and leaned in. Are you kidding me? No, thanks I said. Bye. This turned into a long exhausting 20-minute ordeal where he demanded a kiss or was not going to get out of my car. I said no, next time. He said well, there might not be a next time if you don’t kiss me. Oh, thank God! But he still refused to get out. Who was this guy? This is not the man who came on the first date, that man was polite, chivalrous, generous and a complete gentleman. I had to think, think fast. So, I went on tell to calmly inform him that due to my great military training I was an expert shooter, the best in my unit and remember earlier when you asked if I had a pistol in the car, I did not answer. I never miss, that’s a 97% chance of fatality and the other 3% you’ll just lose your manhood- you choose! He quickly got out. (You’re outta there!)
christi collins
Los Angeles, CA
Age: 39
Umm (uncomfortable) I’m not trying to be pushy, I’m just wondering…now that our show is over, where does that leave us. I mean we’ve been “rehearsing” (she actually makes the quotation mark with her fingers) well rehearsing and eating and laughing and taking those long drives up Mullholland with the top down listening to Yo Yo Ma on the cello and, well… I just want to kiss you every time I see you, god you have the best mouth and I know I’m not supposed to be the first one to say this well, according to “the rules” but I don’t want to play games and we did so well tonight, didn’t we? 2 standing ovations and all that laughter. I just want to know if we’re going to take this outside of “rehearsals” I mean I think that our funny little name for our dates is so cute and makes me laugh every time you call and ask if I want to “rehearse” with that sexy undertone. Wow, huh, I just can’t stop talking you’d think I took some word-speed before I got in this car. (loooooong uncomfortable pause, we all know that kind of pause) O.K….you’re not saying anything. Huh, huh, you’re still not saying anything! Say something! I mean (gain composure-rationalize) do you need to think for a minute--I know guys need to process more than girls do, guys think before they speak, work it out inside and perfect it. Women tend to do their thinking as they talk, well anyway that’s what John Gray says, He wrote all the mars and venus books. I met him at a book signing. So….you’re still not ….
I’m sorry, say again. You aren’t ready for a relationship? Oh, did you think I asked for a relationship? (cute giggle) No I asked if we were going to continue seeing eachother without the veil of “rehearsing” . I thought that because you licked my asshole maybe you liked me and would want to continue this…this…thing…this whatever-we’re-doing more frequently.
Stop? You want to stop seeing me. Oh my God, You are breaking up with me. Do you realize that you come up to my nipples? Look at me! I’m beautiful and tall and voluptuous, look at my bone structure! I have to put my arm around your shoulder, my hands are bigger than yours. You’re fucking balding and you’re breaking up with me? You are 5 feet tall after yoga! I tell everyone you have a big dick I defend you and tell them not to let the size of the man determine the size of the package, I guess I get to set them straight now, huh? Your pecker suits your frame.
You really don’t even want to have sex occasionally?